Post Partum OCD

It's been a long while since I've written anything. And I guess for some good reason.

As most of you know, who had read my blogs in the past or know me personally I suffered from post partum depression. Not just baby blues, or being sad and depressed but actual Post Partum OCD. It's a lot different from those that have little hours or weeks of blues or feeling overwhelmed because you've just had a baby. Not to say those aren't totally hard things to go through too, they are.

My mind was taken over by this depression.  I tried everything I could to fix it. But I didn't actually get real help until just recently. I was put on meds about 10 months after delivering my little but I still thought in my head that I was going to be fine without talking to someone about it. It taken me 4 and a half years to finally open up to a therapist. And let me tell you, it's been eye opening!

I have only gone a few times now and things are already on the up side. She is a Christian like me and believes the same as I do. We don't have to walk around with this weight on us, we have God to roll our fears and worries onto. That's actually something I'm working on. And I knew by writing and putting it out there that I would feel better. It's my way of rolling it into God. By releasing and mind dumping into this blog that about 2 people read I get it out of my head, work through my own stuff and possibly help someone in the process.

You're not alone if you've gone through PPD OCD. There are a lot of us out there. My therapist included. Strange I find one that actually went through the same exact thing I did and that I can relate to and open up to.

I've had the OCD part of my life for as long as I can remember. No, I don't count or have to have things meticulously clean or in order. I have compulsive thoughts. "What if" thoughts.

What if I go through this green light but someone doesn't stop from the red light...what if I drop my little at school and someone doesn't watch her....what if, what if, what it...even now thinking about my little at school my heart starts to race.

It's dumb. I hate it. And I'm trying to make it go away by going to therapy and doing all that I can. So far I'm already a lot better and like I said it's only been a few weeks. She has me doing some exercises that actually help. Weird things like putting a pat h over one eye. But hey...its helping. So weird.

When I told her that I used to do Jiu Jitsu she asked me why I stopped. I told her having the baby, work and just plain not having the guts to go back after all these years has kept me from going. She didn't like that answer so now I'm searching for a gi that will fit! For now I am starting again hopefully next month.

I feel like my world may come back together again. It has seemed so far out if reach for so long. I know that may be totally strange sounding to some but for those of gou, who have gone through any form of PPD will understand what I'm saying.

With this you almost live your life looking in on it. Like you're separate from your actual life. Weird, I know. Not like you're having an out of body experience thing  just a strange separate feeling. I can't explain it well enough to have you understand. And I'd probably just sound totally wacko if I did! So, I'll leave it at that.

So, because of this feeling you don't feel like normal. Eating things that aren't good for me don't have the same effect as they did 6 or 7 years ago. Before I'd worry about what it was, what it was made with, how many calories and so on.

Now, if it's sweet- I'm eating it. Before, if my house was a mess and I had time off I would clean and organize. Now, I would rather nap then do anything. Before I would spend hours in the yard cleaning and planting. Now I could care less. It's depression and this weird disconnected feeling. But, I'm getting past it.

My life has been the best it ever has and the worst it ever has all wrapped into one. Having a hubby, a baby, and a business is all amazing! And I wouldn't trade that part of my life for anything. The part that has totally sucked has been living in this horrible depression while I have these amazing things.

I'm working on this depression and I can't wait to look back and think "man those days were rough, I'm glad to be out of it." But for now, It's a daily thing I struggle with. If you're struggling too, please go get help. Even if it's just with a friend, family member or even your regular doctor. Just tell someone, talk about your problems and heal. It's not uncommon, it's nothing to be embarrassed about and you can get better. I promise.

A good percentage is 80/20 right?!

Eat right and exercise they say. If you eat right you'll loose weight. If you add in some cardio and lift some weights you'll loose it faster. What if you do both and you see nothing? What if you do both and you only loose 1.6 pounds over a months span? (My doctors scale said I lost 5 pounds, which I don't trust because on my scale at home it still says only 1.6 down.)

At the start of the month I really started focusing on what I was eating again and I started training with a personal trainer twice a week and working out with a friend or on my own a couple times a week. I also stopped eating out as often (we've gone out maybe 3 times this last month verses at least 3 times a week before). I homemake all our meals and prep for a few days out. The meat I eat is super lean at 97% fat free. I sauté my veggies in a little bit of olive oil or steam them in the microwave with water. Sometimes I'll have half a sweet potato, or about 1/4 cup of wild rice mixed with quinoa. Protein shakes or protein pancakes for breakfast.

Over the last month I've also eaten some bad things as well. Not going to try and hid it, but it's been every five or so days and normally its something small. Yesterday it was a homemade brownie with a small scoop of ice cream. Last week it was a few chocolate covered cashews. The week before it was a pint of Protein Ice Cream. I figure if I want to try and stick to this healthy way of eating that I need to still have things I crave or I'll just say screw it all and give in. That 80/20 right? 80% healthy clean meals and 20% fun but still healthy treats. It's trying to keep it at a minimum that is my biggest issue.

So, here I am, still trying to loose with nothing really to show. Clothes still fit the same, scale still says the same weight. However, my face isn't as puffy since I've cut out all the extra salt from eating out so, that's a plus! I am getting stronger with my personal training sessions which is a big bonus! I'm learning to enjoy home cooked meals again! I'm not giving up!!

Let's see where I am next month!! 

Not dead...

It's been a hot minute-no make that hot MONTH(s)- since I have written anything. (I have tried to write SO many times but when you exit out of this wonderful app without actually saving first...it erases everything! Can you say Microsoft Word 1998!? Get with it Blogger!) That being said, you haven't missed too much. I have stayed on track some and gone astray.
Lately I have been doing well with my workouts and not so much with my eating. But seriously now, it was Thanksgiving week. Yes week. Or am I the only one who has a while week of Thanksgiving. And no not because I have multiple families I have to eat Turkey Dinner with but because my birthday is almost always the same week. It leads to lots of dinners out, lots of desserts for celebrating and lots of bad choices. We also have our kitchen torn apart right now as well.
So, between the week of Thanksgiving and Birthday celebrations and the kitchen being torn apart we have not eaten the best and I haven't had any time really to work out. Most nights have been taken by family time or kitchen construction.
Good excuses? No? Whatever. Tomorrow is a new day and I plan on making the best of it. We went food shopping today so we should be able to stay in track this week a lot easier. Kitchen is still torn apart a little but I have some foods that won't require too much prep or cleanup.
Oh! I started training for a Tough Mudder! O once had someone tell me I could never do one so I'm on a mission to prove to myself that I can! It's been so much fun! A couple close friends and I have been walking, weight training and doing some HITT cardio to try and start us off. They have been great accountability partners and cheerleaders. We are going to kick some butt!
I'll try and start logging my workouts better and writing it here for anyone who might get some use out of it. I was logging my food for about 3 weeks and then set the book aside and haven't logged in 2. Its weird how you get so good at writing things down and then poof it's like you never did it once!
I am also trying to set more goals. And not the big ones like...loose 100 pounds. But the small reachable ones that everyone is always talking about. I'm a big goal setter! I want it done and done now! So, making little goals to reach has always been a weird concept for me but I'm going to try it out some more and see if it really helps.
I want to set some small goals in a few different areas so I feel like I'm accomplishing more like I'm used too but make sure they are small so that I can reach them.
So let's see...
Weekly goals
Food...
Goal #1 Log my food for an entire week
#2 Tea instead of coffee drinks
#3 No eating lunches out
Workout Goals...
Goal #1 walk 10 miles outside
#2 one bike ride inside
#3 one night if HITT cardio
Month Goals....
#1 no blatantly sugary foods until Christmas Eve (ahhhhh!! sugar how I love thee!)
#2 take time every day for myself
#3 slow down
Do you set goals? Are they normally the big ones like I do? Get your teaching certificate! Loose 100 pounds! Repaint the entire inside of the house! Remodel the kitchen in 2 days! Ha! See! My goals are big goals! Some I've done- some I'm working on and some are just not gonna happen! 2 days? Ha!
Have an amazing week!

Carrots or Cancer?

When some people think about health all they think about is weight and not disease. I'm one of those people...is it in a good range? Am I too overweight? Am I too underweight? What do I need to do to get it in a "normal" range so that I'm "healthy" again? Why do we as a society place so much focus on our weight and not our actual HEALTH?

Most of the time I only think about what I eat and what I shouldn't have eaten because it will add extra calories to my day. Which, in turn will add extra pounds to my already over weight body. I don't ever give much thought as to what else these calories I'm eating are doing to my body.

Bad blood pressure? High cholesterol levels? Diabetes? Cancer?

I'm pre-diabetic and have been for a few years now but I never really think about the fact that I could have life long problems with my health when I'm eating bad foods. I again, only think about the calories. It's what I have been led to focus on as a citizen of this great country of ours. The fact that I could have bad circulation, bad feet, possible dialysis and even something as bad as a diabetic coma happen isn't something that is on the front of my mind. It's the calories.

Lame. Super lame.

I have, over the last few days started a new workout program that I had a friend and Personal Trainer make out for me. It's been a great workout and since I'm doing this awesome workout program, I'm not wasting these workouts by eating badly all day. I have really focused on what I've been putting in my body and it's not only been for the calorie count this time either.

I'm trying to focus more on my overall health. (I'm telling you, this journey is a very hard journey when you don't know how to be in good health naturally) My mind is getting better daily. The depression is almost fully gone which has been amazing. I actually feel normal again. No more medication to try and dull the depression. The workouts help those good feelings as well. Got to love good ol' endorphins.

I'm trying to take what I learned from my couple of Doctor visits in town at the weight loss doctor and putting it to use but in my own way. (Remember it was an extreme DIET that I was following and not a way of life.) He wanted me to eat his meals every so often with a certain amount of calories in each meal. I'm still doing that but with my own food. I got sick of his food pretty quick. Eating protein bars and or pre made meals wasn't the greatest tasting or the healthiest as far as I'm concerned. Now, I'm still following what he wanted me to do with the amount of food and how often but I'm eating whole food again.

By eating whole foods again I'm focusing on my over all health and not just the calories. I'm making sure that I'm putting GOOD food into my body that are lower in calories. Fruits. Vegetables. Lean Meats. Good food. And I feel better already. No more pre-made meals, protein bars that taste like cardboard and no more chemical concoctions that are only 75 calories but could feed an army. It's a super easy way of eating but at what cost? Cancer? Diabetes? Heart Disease?

So, if you've been on a journey like I have been, lets focus on our health and not just the calories. Lets focus on healthy foods in our bodies and not chemically made food with only 3 calories because we want a smaller waist. Lets try focusing on eating whole foods, healthy foods. Working out. Getting outside and getting our heartbeat up.

Three Years Difference

There's nothing like going to a place you haven't been in a long time. Going back, exploring the places you once went. Seeing the same sites with a new view and with a totally different body! It's a real eye opener!

Man! Let me tell you, walking up the trail from Wedding Rock or the trail from Agate Beach when you're not in shape just sucks! My heart was racing, my legs shaky. It was definitely an eye opening experience.

The last time my little family came here we were here on our Honeymoon. The little was here with us at 6 months of age and the hubby and I were in super great shape. I was the smallest I had ever been and could hike and walk all over with a baby on my front with really no problem at all.

It made me a little sad to have to walk a little slower and to be a little more out of breath this time but hey! I still did all the same stuff! I guess there is a little silver lining!

I remember the month before our wedding I went on a strict Paleo diet. I was working out a ton then as well. I didn't cheat almost at all, maybe a little ranch on my potato or a small treat here and there. It really was an amazing diet, I lost a lot of belly fat which is what I really wanted the most at that point.

Cutting out all the extra starchy carbs was what really helped. No bread, no chips or crackers and no dairy! The only hard part for me was all the meat I was supposed to be eating. I don't like meat, so I had to choke down what I needed to eat everyday. I think, had I just found a different source of protein for myself, I would have enjoyed it more.

Since we decided this week to go out of town for the weekend last minute I didn't plan on what I might be eating. We went out to a few different restaurants and I  didn't choose very wisely. I've also had sweets as well. So, back on that wagon again tomorrow.

I have to go shopping tonight for some groceries so I'll make sure and grab lots of fruits so I can have some natural sugar and not feel like I'm depriving myself of anything.

Back to the gym tomorrow! Get that cardio level back up!

Thoughts Can Make You Beautiful

Today was a good day. A better day.

I woke up thinking about my last blog and how I was going to do something about it. How I was going to make a change in the way I think about myself. Now, I didn't just wake up with magical thoughts of how amazing I am but I did wake up feeling better about myself. I woke up with thoughts on how my little one sees me.

At work today I had a previous client of mine see me headed to the coffee shop next door. We chatted for a minute and walked in together. She stared at me unlike she ever had before. Then out of nowhere she said "You look so beautiful, what is it?" I just said thank you. I chalked it up to my better mood. I guess beauty does come from the inside.

On to another topic...My Diet.

 It's been ok the last few days. Not the greatest though. I have had my problems with sweets again. So, I have decided to cut out sugar again. Last year on Halloween I decided that I was done with sugar. I had ate so much the days before Halloween that I literally made myself sick. So, I stopped that morning and for about 4 months never had anything that was blatantly sugary. That meant candy, sweet coffee drinks, pastries of any kind and so on. If I knew that there was a lot of sugar in it or was going to eat it to get my sugar fix, I stayed away from it.

Now, I didn't really do this in hopes of loosing all sorts of weight because I know my body and just because I cut something like that out doesn't mean my body is going to be like Oh! Here, I'll drop all this weight off here for you!! No, it's more like; Oh! Let's just crave bread and crackers now! and will still hold onto the weight. But I need to be away from it. I'm craving it constantly again and I'm tired of the consequences that I have to deal with when I eat a lot of it. Heartburn, upset stomach, bad skin and the list goes on.

Tomorrow I will cut it out again. I will go until the first of the year so that I can get past the holidays without eating a tons of sweets. (I will have a slice of pie or something here and there on the holidays or birthdays but nothing on a daily basis) I get lots of gifts at the salon over the holidays and most of them include some sort of sweets. I LOVE them, but I have to stay away again this year. I can't gain anymore weight and I am really trying to loose still.

I saw on Facebook today a post that I had made 6 years ago today. It said this...
"So.....been doing Jiu Jitsu now for 9 months... down 30 pounds and 33 inches from all over....and still going" I loved seeing it. I remember posting it and being so happy about my loss. I was shocked over the amount of inches I had lost. It was such an amazing feeling knowing the work I was putting in was paying off! 33 inches? That's just crazy! 


Here's to 33 inches more!

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

Have you ever stopped and taken a good look in the mirror?

I mean a good look. A look that makes you actually see yourself. Not the person you see yourself coming and going. I mean really stop, and look. Look at yourself as a whole. Not the flaws you normally would be nagging yourself about.

We all have this inner voice and I so wish I could hear others. I would love to know what goes through other peoples minds to see if it is what I have going through mine...

"Wow, you're fat"
"You'll never loose weight again"
"Ugh, your skin is so uneven."
"Dimple here, dimple there..."
"Maybe I should be one of those 'Body Positive' girls so I don't have to loose weight"
"I'm sure some people think I'm attractive right?"
"My poor husband..."

These are just some thoughts in my daily internal monologue. I'm sure you're thinking it was all rays of sunshine and rainbows in there but I'm honestly very, very hard on myself when it comes to my weight and my body image. It is a never ending battle that I don't stop thinking about. It's another reason I am writing this blog. Hopefully, if i'm not the only one, I'll get passed it with you.

Is this what other people think about? Or, do you think about sunshine and rainbows all day?

I mean yes, I do think about other things. I'm not all dark and twisty inside. I have good days, and wonderful thoughts as well. Just yesterday I was thinking about how unbelievably blessed I am to have such a great husband and daughter. I am literally the luckiest person alive when it comes to them. My little is such a good little girl. I am just in awe of her daily and that is something I think about all day. My family is amazing also. But, I don't think good thoughts about myself personally. Those, those are normally dark and twisty.

I think my issue is that the bad always stands out more than the good. I see the bad in myself more than the good.

I'm a good person. I do good things, I offer good advice and try and make sure people are having good days and uplift them but I can't seem to do the same for myself. Weird.

I have seen multiple postings about people going into the bathroom or bedroom and standing completely naked in front of a mirror and telling yourself how wonderful you are. Nothing negative at all...

"You're beautiful"
"You're so strong"
"You can do amazing things"
"Look at those curves, Beyonce would be jealous"

It doesn't happen, I've tried. I have tried standing there in all my glory and all that comes to mind is the bad. And to boot, I get embarrassed. Why do I feel embarrassed of my own body? I'm sure I need therapy, right? How can one be embarrassed to stand in the mirror when nobody is watching? Maybe it's shame? I don't know.

I can remember right before my pregnancy I could actually stand in the mirror and think some good thoughts every so often. I had also lost those 55 pounds I have talked about. Is it easier to look at yourself in the mirror if you're at a "better" weight? Shouldn't I be able to look and think good thoughts about my current body...

"Look at those stretch marks, they came when you were holding your beautiful baby inside your belly"
"Look at those strong arms and hands, they hold your passion every day. They make people feel and look their best"
"Look at that small scar where your little girl was pulled from your body so she could make you smile every day."
"You are an amazing mother"
"You're a freaking Rockstar!"

Why can't these be my thoughts? Is there someone telling me I can't think these thoughts instead of the first dark thoughts? What could I do with all that positivity? How would I change for the better if I could say those things to myself instead of "You suck"?

I bet, I could have a even better day. I bet, I could have a better self worth. I could walk around with my head held higher than before. I could actually love others better. I wouldn't have to get passed myself and my own issues so that I could open up to others. I could just be there, not having to jump through my own hurdles to get to theirs to help. I could be a much better person.

So, what's stopping me?

Me. Nobody but me. How lame is that?

My little tells me "Oh, momma, you're so beautiful." I just smile and say thank you even thought I can't see what she says. She sees me for me. She sees me like I should see me. Beautiful. She comes up to me and asks to feel my muscles and says "You're so strong!" I should see my strength and not my weaknesses.

So, here I am in front of my mirror. I'm looking at myself like she looks at me. Strong and beautiful. Someone with amazing value. Someone who can do it all. Someone who can work, be a mom and a wife and still have time for some Candyland and crafting. She sees me this way and I never want to let her down. So, what is stopping me from being these amazing things that my wonderful little sees in me?

Nothing.