I mean a good look. A look that makes you actually see yourself. Not the person you see yourself coming and going. I mean really stop, and look. Look at yourself as a whole. Not the flaws you normally would be nagging yourself about.
We all have this inner voice and I so wish I could hear others. I would love to know what goes through other peoples minds to see if it is what I have going through mine...
"Wow, you're fat"
"You'll never loose weight again"
"Ugh, your skin is so uneven."
"Dimple here, dimple there..."
"Maybe I should be one of those 'Body Positive' girls so I don't have to loose weight"
"I'm sure some people think I'm attractive right?"
"My poor husband..."
These are just some thoughts in my daily internal monologue. I'm sure you're thinking it was all rays of sunshine and rainbows in there but I'm honestly very, very hard on myself when it comes to my weight and my body image. It is a never ending battle that I don't stop thinking about. It's another reason I am writing this blog. Hopefully, if i'm not the only one, I'll get passed it with you.
Is this what other people think about? Or, do you think about sunshine and rainbows all day?
I mean yes, I do think about other things. I'm not all dark and twisty inside. I have good days, and wonderful thoughts as well. Just yesterday I was thinking about how unbelievably blessed I am to have such a great husband and daughter. I am literally the luckiest person alive when it comes to them. My little is such a good little girl. I am just in awe of her daily and that is something I think about all day. My family is amazing also. But, I don't think good thoughts about myself personally. Those, those are normally dark and twisty.
I think my issue is that the bad always stands out more than the good. I see the bad in myself more than the good.
I'm a good person. I do good things, I offer good advice and try and make sure people are having good days and uplift them but I can't seem to do the same for myself. Weird.
I have seen multiple postings about people going into the bathroom or bedroom and standing completely naked in front of a mirror and telling yourself how wonderful you are. Nothing negative at all...
"You're beautiful"
"You're so strong"
"You can do amazing things"
"Look at those curves, Beyonce would be jealous"
It doesn't happen, I've tried. I have tried standing there in all my glory and all that comes to mind is the bad. And to boot, I get embarrassed. Why do I feel embarrassed of my own body? I'm sure I need therapy, right? How can one be embarrassed to stand in the mirror when nobody is watching? Maybe it's shame? I don't know.
I can remember right before my pregnancy I could actually stand in the mirror and think some good thoughts every so often. I had also lost those 55 pounds I have talked about. Is it easier to look at yourself in the mirror if you're at a "better" weight? Shouldn't I be able to look and think good thoughts about my current body...
"Look at those stretch marks, they came when you were holding your beautiful baby inside your belly"
"Look at those strong arms and hands, they hold your passion every day. They make people feel and look their best"
"Look at that small scar where your little girl was pulled from your body so she could make you smile every day."
"You are an amazing mother"
"You're a freaking Rockstar!"
Why can't these be my thoughts? Is there someone telling me I can't think these thoughts instead of the first dark thoughts? What could I do with all that positivity? How would I change for the better if I could say those things to myself instead of "You suck"?
I bet, I could have a even better day. I bet, I could have a better self worth. I could walk around with my head held higher than before. I could actually love others better. I wouldn't have to get passed myself and my own issues so that I could open up to others. I could just be there, not having to jump through my own hurdles to get to theirs to help. I could be a much better person.
So, what's stopping me?
Me. Nobody but me. How lame is that?
My little tells me "Oh, momma, you're so beautiful." I just smile and say thank you even thought I can't see what she says. She sees me for me. She sees me like I should see me. Beautiful. She comes up to me and asks to feel my muscles and says "You're so strong!" I should see my strength and not my weaknesses.
So, here I am in front of my mirror. I'm looking at myself like she looks at me. Strong and beautiful. Someone with amazing value. Someone who can do it all. Someone who can work, be a mom and a wife and still have time for some Candyland and crafting. She sees me this way and I never want to let her down. So, what is stopping me from being these amazing things that my wonderful little sees in me?
Nothing.
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