Post Partum OCD

It's been a long while since I've written anything. And I guess for some good reason.

As most of you know, who had read my blogs in the past or know me personally I suffered from post partum depression. Not just baby blues, or being sad and depressed but actual Post Partum OCD. It's a lot different from those that have little hours or weeks of blues or feeling overwhelmed because you've just had a baby. Not to say those aren't totally hard things to go through too, they are.

My mind was taken over by this depression.  I tried everything I could to fix it. But I didn't actually get real help until just recently. I was put on meds about 10 months after delivering my little but I still thought in my head that I was going to be fine without talking to someone about it. It taken me 4 and a half years to finally open up to a therapist. And let me tell you, it's been eye opening!

I have only gone a few times now and things are already on the up side. She is a Christian like me and believes the same as I do. We don't have to walk around with this weight on us, we have God to roll our fears and worries onto. That's actually something I'm working on. And I knew by writing and putting it out there that I would feel better. It's my way of rolling it into God. By releasing and mind dumping into this blog that about 2 people read I get it out of my head, work through my own stuff and possibly help someone in the process.

You're not alone if you've gone through PPD OCD. There are a lot of us out there. My therapist included. Strange I find one that actually went through the same exact thing I did and that I can relate to and open up to.

I've had the OCD part of my life for as long as I can remember. No, I don't count or have to have things meticulously clean or in order. I have compulsive thoughts. "What if" thoughts.

What if I go through this green light but someone doesn't stop from the red light...what if I drop my little at school and someone doesn't watch her....what if, what if, what it...even now thinking about my little at school my heart starts to race.

It's dumb. I hate it. And I'm trying to make it go away by going to therapy and doing all that I can. So far I'm already a lot better and like I said it's only been a few weeks. She has me doing some exercises that actually help. Weird things like putting a pat h over one eye. But hey...its helping. So weird.

When I told her that I used to do Jiu Jitsu she asked me why I stopped. I told her having the baby, work and just plain not having the guts to go back after all these years has kept me from going. She didn't like that answer so now I'm searching for a gi that will fit! For now I am starting again hopefully next month.

I feel like my world may come back together again. It has seemed so far out if reach for so long. I know that may be totally strange sounding to some but for those of gou, who have gone through any form of PPD will understand what I'm saying.

With this you almost live your life looking in on it. Like you're separate from your actual life. Weird, I know. Not like you're having an out of body experience thing  just a strange separate feeling. I can't explain it well enough to have you understand. And I'd probably just sound totally wacko if I did! So, I'll leave it at that.

So, because of this feeling you don't feel like normal. Eating things that aren't good for me don't have the same effect as they did 6 or 7 years ago. Before I'd worry about what it was, what it was made with, how many calories and so on.

Now, if it's sweet- I'm eating it. Before, if my house was a mess and I had time off I would clean and organize. Now, I would rather nap then do anything. Before I would spend hours in the yard cleaning and planting. Now I could care less. It's depression and this weird disconnected feeling. But, I'm getting past it.

My life has been the best it ever has and the worst it ever has all wrapped into one. Having a hubby, a baby, and a business is all amazing! And I wouldn't trade that part of my life for anything. The part that has totally sucked has been living in this horrible depression while I have these amazing things.

I'm working on this depression and I can't wait to look back and think "man those days were rough, I'm glad to be out of it." But for now, It's a daily thing I struggle with. If you're struggling too, please go get help. Even if it's just with a friend, family member or even your regular doctor. Just tell someone, talk about your problems and heal. It's not uncommon, it's nothing to be embarrassed about and you can get better. I promise.

A good percentage is 80/20 right?!

Eat right and exercise they say. If you eat right you'll loose weight. If you add in some cardio and lift some weights you'll loose it faster. What if you do both and you see nothing? What if you do both and you only loose 1.6 pounds over a months span? (My doctors scale said I lost 5 pounds, which I don't trust because on my scale at home it still says only 1.6 down.)

At the start of the month I really started focusing on what I was eating again and I started training with a personal trainer twice a week and working out with a friend or on my own a couple times a week. I also stopped eating out as often (we've gone out maybe 3 times this last month verses at least 3 times a week before). I homemake all our meals and prep for a few days out. The meat I eat is super lean at 97% fat free. I sauté my veggies in a little bit of olive oil or steam them in the microwave with water. Sometimes I'll have half a sweet potato, or about 1/4 cup of wild rice mixed with quinoa. Protein shakes or protein pancakes for breakfast.

Over the last month I've also eaten some bad things as well. Not going to try and hid it, but it's been every five or so days and normally its something small. Yesterday it was a homemade brownie with a small scoop of ice cream. Last week it was a few chocolate covered cashews. The week before it was a pint of Protein Ice Cream. I figure if I want to try and stick to this healthy way of eating that I need to still have things I crave or I'll just say screw it all and give in. That 80/20 right? 80% healthy clean meals and 20% fun but still healthy treats. It's trying to keep it at a minimum that is my biggest issue.

So, here I am, still trying to loose with nothing really to show. Clothes still fit the same, scale still says the same weight. However, my face isn't as puffy since I've cut out all the extra salt from eating out so, that's a plus! I am getting stronger with my personal training sessions which is a big bonus! I'm learning to enjoy home cooked meals again! I'm not giving up!!

Let's see where I am next month!!