Carrots or Cancer?

When some people think about health all they think about is weight and not disease. I'm one of those people...is it in a good range? Am I too overweight? Am I too underweight? What do I need to do to get it in a "normal" range so that I'm "healthy" again? Why do we as a society place so much focus on our weight and not our actual HEALTH?

Most of the time I only think about what I eat and what I shouldn't have eaten because it will add extra calories to my day. Which, in turn will add extra pounds to my already over weight body. I don't ever give much thought as to what else these calories I'm eating are doing to my body.

Bad blood pressure? High cholesterol levels? Diabetes? Cancer?

I'm pre-diabetic and have been for a few years now but I never really think about the fact that I could have life long problems with my health when I'm eating bad foods. I again, only think about the calories. It's what I have been led to focus on as a citizen of this great country of ours. The fact that I could have bad circulation, bad feet, possible dialysis and even something as bad as a diabetic coma happen isn't something that is on the front of my mind. It's the calories.

Lame. Super lame.

I have, over the last few days started a new workout program that I had a friend and Personal Trainer make out for me. It's been a great workout and since I'm doing this awesome workout program, I'm not wasting these workouts by eating badly all day. I have really focused on what I've been putting in my body and it's not only been for the calorie count this time either.

I'm trying to focus more on my overall health. (I'm telling you, this journey is a very hard journey when you don't know how to be in good health naturally) My mind is getting better daily. The depression is almost fully gone which has been amazing. I actually feel normal again. No more medication to try and dull the depression. The workouts help those good feelings as well. Got to love good ol' endorphins.

I'm trying to take what I learned from my couple of Doctor visits in town at the weight loss doctor and putting it to use but in my own way. (Remember it was an extreme DIET that I was following and not a way of life.) He wanted me to eat his meals every so often with a certain amount of calories in each meal. I'm still doing that but with my own food. I got sick of his food pretty quick. Eating protein bars and or pre made meals wasn't the greatest tasting or the healthiest as far as I'm concerned. Now, I'm still following what he wanted me to do with the amount of food and how often but I'm eating whole food again.

By eating whole foods again I'm focusing on my over all health and not just the calories. I'm making sure that I'm putting GOOD food into my body that are lower in calories. Fruits. Vegetables. Lean Meats. Good food. And I feel better already. No more pre-made meals, protein bars that taste like cardboard and no more chemical concoctions that are only 75 calories but could feed an army. It's a super easy way of eating but at what cost? Cancer? Diabetes? Heart Disease?

So, if you've been on a journey like I have been, lets focus on our health and not just the calories. Lets focus on healthy foods in our bodies and not chemically made food with only 3 calories because we want a smaller waist. Lets try focusing on eating whole foods, healthy foods. Working out. Getting outside and getting our heartbeat up.

Three Years Difference

There's nothing like going to a place you haven't been in a long time. Going back, exploring the places you once went. Seeing the same sites with a new view and with a totally different body! It's a real eye opener!

Man! Let me tell you, walking up the trail from Wedding Rock or the trail from Agate Beach when you're not in shape just sucks! My heart was racing, my legs shaky. It was definitely an eye opening experience.

The last time my little family came here we were here on our Honeymoon. The little was here with us at 6 months of age and the hubby and I were in super great shape. I was the smallest I had ever been and could hike and walk all over with a baby on my front with really no problem at all.

It made me a little sad to have to walk a little slower and to be a little more out of breath this time but hey! I still did all the same stuff! I guess there is a little silver lining!

I remember the month before our wedding I went on a strict Paleo diet. I was working out a ton then as well. I didn't cheat almost at all, maybe a little ranch on my potato or a small treat here and there. It really was an amazing diet, I lost a lot of belly fat which is what I really wanted the most at that point.

Cutting out all the extra starchy carbs was what really helped. No bread, no chips or crackers and no dairy! The only hard part for me was all the meat I was supposed to be eating. I don't like meat, so I had to choke down what I needed to eat everyday. I think, had I just found a different source of protein for myself, I would have enjoyed it more.

Since we decided this week to go out of town for the weekend last minute I didn't plan on what I might be eating. We went out to a few different restaurants and I  didn't choose very wisely. I've also had sweets as well. So, back on that wagon again tomorrow.

I have to go shopping tonight for some groceries so I'll make sure and grab lots of fruits so I can have some natural sugar and not feel like I'm depriving myself of anything.

Back to the gym tomorrow! Get that cardio level back up!

Thoughts Can Make You Beautiful

Today was a good day. A better day.

I woke up thinking about my last blog and how I was going to do something about it. How I was going to make a change in the way I think about myself. Now, I didn't just wake up with magical thoughts of how amazing I am but I did wake up feeling better about myself. I woke up with thoughts on how my little one sees me.

At work today I had a previous client of mine see me headed to the coffee shop next door. We chatted for a minute and walked in together. She stared at me unlike she ever had before. Then out of nowhere she said "You look so beautiful, what is it?" I just said thank you. I chalked it up to my better mood. I guess beauty does come from the inside.

On to another topic...My Diet.

 It's been ok the last few days. Not the greatest though. I have had my problems with sweets again. So, I have decided to cut out sugar again. Last year on Halloween I decided that I was done with sugar. I had ate so much the days before Halloween that I literally made myself sick. So, I stopped that morning and for about 4 months never had anything that was blatantly sugary. That meant candy, sweet coffee drinks, pastries of any kind and so on. If I knew that there was a lot of sugar in it or was going to eat it to get my sugar fix, I stayed away from it.

Now, I didn't really do this in hopes of loosing all sorts of weight because I know my body and just because I cut something like that out doesn't mean my body is going to be like Oh! Here, I'll drop all this weight off here for you!! No, it's more like; Oh! Let's just crave bread and crackers now! and will still hold onto the weight. But I need to be away from it. I'm craving it constantly again and I'm tired of the consequences that I have to deal with when I eat a lot of it. Heartburn, upset stomach, bad skin and the list goes on.

Tomorrow I will cut it out again. I will go until the first of the year so that I can get past the holidays without eating a tons of sweets. (I will have a slice of pie or something here and there on the holidays or birthdays but nothing on a daily basis) I get lots of gifts at the salon over the holidays and most of them include some sort of sweets. I LOVE them, but I have to stay away again this year. I can't gain anymore weight and I am really trying to loose still.

I saw on Facebook today a post that I had made 6 years ago today. It said this...
"So.....been doing Jiu Jitsu now for 9 months... down 30 pounds and 33 inches from all over....and still going" I loved seeing it. I remember posting it and being so happy about my loss. I was shocked over the amount of inches I had lost. It was such an amazing feeling knowing the work I was putting in was paying off! 33 inches? That's just crazy! 


Here's to 33 inches more!

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

Have you ever stopped and taken a good look in the mirror?

I mean a good look. A look that makes you actually see yourself. Not the person you see yourself coming and going. I mean really stop, and look. Look at yourself as a whole. Not the flaws you normally would be nagging yourself about.

We all have this inner voice and I so wish I could hear others. I would love to know what goes through other peoples minds to see if it is what I have going through mine...

"Wow, you're fat"
"You'll never loose weight again"
"Ugh, your skin is so uneven."
"Dimple here, dimple there..."
"Maybe I should be one of those 'Body Positive' girls so I don't have to loose weight"
"I'm sure some people think I'm attractive right?"
"My poor husband..."

These are just some thoughts in my daily internal monologue. I'm sure you're thinking it was all rays of sunshine and rainbows in there but I'm honestly very, very hard on myself when it comes to my weight and my body image. It is a never ending battle that I don't stop thinking about. It's another reason I am writing this blog. Hopefully, if i'm not the only one, I'll get passed it with you.

Is this what other people think about? Or, do you think about sunshine and rainbows all day?

I mean yes, I do think about other things. I'm not all dark and twisty inside. I have good days, and wonderful thoughts as well. Just yesterday I was thinking about how unbelievably blessed I am to have such a great husband and daughter. I am literally the luckiest person alive when it comes to them. My little is such a good little girl. I am just in awe of her daily and that is something I think about all day. My family is amazing also. But, I don't think good thoughts about myself personally. Those, those are normally dark and twisty.

I think my issue is that the bad always stands out more than the good. I see the bad in myself more than the good.

I'm a good person. I do good things, I offer good advice and try and make sure people are having good days and uplift them but I can't seem to do the same for myself. Weird.

I have seen multiple postings about people going into the bathroom or bedroom and standing completely naked in front of a mirror and telling yourself how wonderful you are. Nothing negative at all...

"You're beautiful"
"You're so strong"
"You can do amazing things"
"Look at those curves, Beyonce would be jealous"

It doesn't happen, I've tried. I have tried standing there in all my glory and all that comes to mind is the bad. And to boot, I get embarrassed. Why do I feel embarrassed of my own body? I'm sure I need therapy, right? How can one be embarrassed to stand in the mirror when nobody is watching? Maybe it's shame? I don't know.

I can remember right before my pregnancy I could actually stand in the mirror and think some good thoughts every so often. I had also lost those 55 pounds I have talked about. Is it easier to look at yourself in the mirror if you're at a "better" weight? Shouldn't I be able to look and think good thoughts about my current body...

"Look at those stretch marks, they came when you were holding your beautiful baby inside your belly"
"Look at those strong arms and hands, they hold your passion every day. They make people feel and look their best"
"Look at that small scar where your little girl was pulled from your body so she could make you smile every day."
"You are an amazing mother"
"You're a freaking Rockstar!"

Why can't these be my thoughts? Is there someone telling me I can't think these thoughts instead of the first dark thoughts? What could I do with all that positivity? How would I change for the better if I could say those things to myself instead of "You suck"?

I bet, I could have a even better day. I bet, I could have a better self worth. I could walk around with my head held higher than before. I could actually love others better. I wouldn't have to get passed myself and my own issues so that I could open up to others. I could just be there, not having to jump through my own hurdles to get to theirs to help. I could be a much better person.

So, what's stopping me?

Me. Nobody but me. How lame is that?

My little tells me "Oh, momma, you're so beautiful." I just smile and say thank you even thought I can't see what she says. She sees me for me. She sees me like I should see me. Beautiful. She comes up to me and asks to feel my muscles and says "You're so strong!" I should see my strength and not my weaknesses.

So, here I am in front of my mirror. I'm looking at myself like she looks at me. Strong and beautiful. Someone with amazing value. Someone who can do it all. Someone who can work, be a mom and a wife and still have time for some Candyland and crafting. She sees me this way and I never want to let her down. So, what is stopping me from being these amazing things that my wonderful little sees in me?

Nothing.

Wagon? What wagon?

There is a saying people often use when one has strayed from their new journey they started, "She fell off the wagon".

To put it bluntly- I've jumped, burned and ran far far away from the wagon.

I went to my doctors about 2 weeks ago and weighed in, not bad, I had gained the mysterious 2 pounds I had lost, back. I honestly was shocked I hadn't gained more.

The last week or so has been my worst week in a very long time. We had family come visit so we ate out for 2 days straight. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. That was calorie city, let me just tell you!

I also had a yard sale with some friends over the weekend and I came super unprepared food wise. The night we set up I had nothing with me to eat so, I ate some pizza that was staring at me in the face. So good!

The next day durning the sale I had nothing but junk. Again, with the no preparation. I didn't even think about food! It was the last thing on my mind so, when it was time to eat, we ate out, of course and it wasn't healthy.

I have been trying to continue to eat every so often making sure my metabolism doesn't slow down but eating the junk I have been eating hasn't been very smart. I also haven't made it to the gym in a 2 weeks either.

I tried going back to my old gym and train Jiu Jitsu. It was so much fun. I loved every minute of it. It's amazing what your muscle memory is like when you haven't done something in so long...it just makes your body do what it needs to do without having to think about it at all. Amazing. 

I also have had a back issue for about 6 months now and being laid on and twisted around and thrown to the ground made it a lot worse. I had a pinched nerve bugging for this past 2 weeks. Ugh. Makes me sad. I was so excited to be back on the mats. But, even doing the light rolling that I was doing, hurt. I need to wait and try again soon.

I have a goal to loose some pounds and try and go back. Hopefully, when I've lost some more weight, my back won't be an issue anymore and I can go have fun training again.

Tomorrow I am headed to our "normal" gym to do some weight lifting and possibly some swimming. I've made my lunch and grabbed some small meals for the day while at work and for before and after the gym.

Hopefully I can stay in track and jump back on that torched wagon!

Here's to starts, re-starts, and starts again!! Never quit, right?

Boredom

What's the cure for boredom?

Is there a cure? Is it what your mom used to tell you when you were a kid?

Mine always told me "If only I could be bored..." whenever I said I was bored and then gave me a list of things I could go do- clean my room, do my homework, watch a movie, go play outside and so on. The list could have included Disneyland and I wouldn't have been impressed. And lately I feel the same way.

There are weeks that I am so busy I can't even get a breath to myself. Then there are weeks that I am so free that I get to work on anything I choose or I can sit and binge watch Grey's Anatomy if I wanted.

This week has been the Grey's week and I couldn't be more bored! I have a million things that I could be doing. I could finish painting my walls, work on any number of projects I want to do, write, finish my videos I have started, garden, do laundry, the list goes on. Do I want to do any of it? Nope. Not a thing. Even taking a nap sounds too boring. What is wrong with me??

Today I forced myself to go out and clean up the shed we have. It has holiday decorations, photo albums, memories, and all the other normal stuff you find in a storage shed. I went through and purged, (imagine that!) got stuff ready for the yard sale this weekend and re-organized the rest. It looks amazing. I even got my labeler out and labeled everything so I could see what was what without having to dig into the bins.

Normally I would be so excited I got this finished. I love to clean that shed. I don't know what it is but I do it like 3 or 4 times a year. Today, I was bored the whole time I was in there. I didn't want to do it, my back hurt like crazy, I was super hot (it's in direct sun all day) and I just wanted to do something else. But nothing at all.

Why am I in this funk?? What is this nagging bored feeling I have? Do other people get like this? Do you have days or even weeks where you feel like you really don't want to do anything but doing nothing sounds so boring?

I don't know if I need time to myself, time with family or time with friends. I don't want to eat healthy but eating junk is getting old fast. I kinda want to workout but my back has been killing me since starting back to Jiu Jitsu last week and I have no ambition to get there. I have a fully edited video ready to post but I haven't wanted to spend the 18 minutes it takes to do a voice over on it. I have a ton of things I could be doing but I can't want to do them. Even Pinterest is boring! A thought I didn't think I could ever think!

I am hating this feeling. How do I shake it?

Is there a way to get yourself out of a funk like this? Tequila shots? Running? Spa day? Wait it out? What has helped you? I can't be the only one here....

The Purge

It's one of those nights that I have a million things running through my head. I can't sleep because I want to DO! I want to get up and blog (that's why I'm here!). I want to edit videos I have ready and I want to sell all my stuff!

What?

Sell all my stuff?

Yes.

I'm a shopper. I love it. I've talked a little about it before...put me in a store, large or small and I can shop for hours if it is something in interested in. Put me in an electronic store and I'd be bored after about 20 minutes. Put me in a home/clothing/makeup/shoes/garden/tools/thrift and so on and you have to pry me out!

I don't know what it is. I can look for hours. I don't even have to buy. Sometimes I'll shop all day and spend like 10$. It's not because I don't have the money it's because I do try and NOT buy stuff! I wish I could be one of those people that doesn't LIKE to shop. It would be amazing! Then I could stay out of stores and not be lured in by amazing sales and clearance racks and "oh shiny!" everything!

Unfortunately I love it. So, because of this love, my lovely hubby has had to rein me in a bit. If he didn't, our house would be full of stuff that we "totally needed!"

Like I talked a little bit about in my Documentary blog, I also said I love to purge! Yes, that is a weird combo but hey! I'm weird so that's ok. Maybe it's because I like to shop so much that I can purge and buy new! No, not really ha!

On this whole road to discovering who I am and changing the way I live, I have tried to change my love for shopping as well. It's not a healthy habit. I don't need that instant gratification I get from shopping. I like it, but I don't need it.

So here I am...wanting to shop and upgrade and buy new and even old (I LOVE antiques!) but I'm trying to change for the better and accumulating a bunch of stuff isn't going to better myself.

That being said, it's garage sale time!! Yes, again! I have a few of us going in together in a couple weekends and I'm hoping to sell a ton again. It's a reason I can't sleep tonight! I want to put things together. Start pricing things! Post pictures! Get it out!

I love the feeling I get after a good purge almost as much as I like the feeling I get after buying a while bag of makeup from Ulta!

After cleaning out drawers and selling off things that aren't needed I feel calm. It's totally that "less is more" thing. I can walk through my house and not be bothered by things that need attention- put away- cleaned or fixed!

I know I can't be the only one who likes to purge and shop! Anyone else? Let's do a huge purge together!!

Go through a room in your house, a drawer, anything that has been bothering you and get rid of stuff! Give it away, sell it, or trash it! Get rid of the extra junk you don't need and have a feeling of calmness as you walk through your house. It's only STUFF!

We aren't here to collect stuff we are here to love. So, get rid of the stuff that bothers you and have more time for love!

Don't eat the bad food! Don't over spend! Don't shop! Be happy with what you have now!! Nobody cares if your house is perfectly decorated. No one else will care what kind of car you drive as long as you're there! Eat what makes you happy and healthy! Go spend time with your family and friends!

Don't accumulate stuff!
Just love!