Waste of time and money!

Well, the new doctor was a huge let down. She did nothing. And by nothing I mean she did NOTHING. She told me I had labs that should have been drawn a couple months ago (which I already did) and that I needed to get them done and see her in a week or so.

No thanks.

I did have my thyroid labs done (she wouldn't take any other labs when I asked) so I can get a copy of them to take to another doctor. 

I have known of a doctor that I had almost tried a year or so back but was worried because I didn't want him selling me all sorts of crazy diet stuff. He specializes in weight loss so maybe he can actually figure out what the heck is wrong with me. I have had a few friends go to him and had great results so I'm hoping he will work with me. I also know he has given hormone tests to one of my friends and she found out they were all outta whack!

What a nice concept...a doctor actually taking tests to see what's wrong. Instead of telling you you're fine and to go workout and eat a carrot. And this from a doctor who has had stomach bypass surgery. Not to say that this isn't something some people need but isn't it kind of hypocritical to have an obese doctor telling you that you need to workout 6 hours a day while she just went and had surgery to loose her weight to gain a bunch of weight back? Ugh.

I digress.

This journey isn't about what my doctor will and won't do. Its about me getting healthy. And if the doctors on the hill won't help, I'll figure out a better way. I know good food is a start and I'm doing ok there. Getting some help from the weight loss doctor will for sure help! Sticking to the gym and working out is also going to help. 

Here's to getting it done myself!

Whoever that girl is....knows what's up. 

I'm a "sorta" vegan.

Today I have a visit with a new doctor. Hopefully she can figure out why I have so much trouble loosing weight now. I know I have some horrible food days but normally I do pretty well. I know that a few bad days couldn't possibly be making it this impossible to loose weight.

I say I'm a "sorta vegan" because I cut out meat and dairy from my diet about 3 months ago. (And sorry, it has nothing to do with saving animals....I love me my Michael Kors leather purses.) Also, some days I'll have some dairy but it's super limited. Not like I used to have. Now I'll have a little half and half in my coffee, a slice of cheese on a sandwich and maybe a yogurt. But that's about all.

As far As meat though, I've had it maybe 3 or 4 times since quitting in April. Meat I can live without. Its not something I really ever crave. Never really have. Sometimes a big fat greasy cheese burger with a pound of bacon on it sounds amazing but the desire quickly fades for some reason.

I know you want to ask....everyone does...Where do you get your protein from? I get it from a lot of things. Beans, protein shakes and bars, chia seeds, even some veggies have a small amount of protein in them like spinach. I get enough trust me.

My daily food intake looks something like this....

Breakfast...
Orgain Organic Protein powder with unsweetened almond milk and a few frozen strawberries. On days off I normally eat Cheerios with the same unsweetened almond milk.

Lunch...
Normally I have leftovers from dinner. So, that could be stir fry veggies over rice, a veggie burger on sourdough bread or some spaghetti sauce over veggie noodles. If I order at the coffee shop next door I've been getting a veggie sandwich on an asiago bagel with a slice of cheese. Sometimes I'll just have some cheerios or a peanut butter and sugar free jelly sandwich.

Dinner....
Lately I've been on a huge veggie and rice kick. I make some sticky rice and throw a bunch of sauteed veggies over it. Broccoli, asparagus, mushrooms, onion, garlic, sweet peppers and anything else I have around. Or I make us some veggie burgers that I either make from scratch or that I buy from Costco.

Snacks...
Yogurt, chia pudding, strawberries, banana, or anything else I can grab easily. I actually don't snack often.

Did you know Oreos are vegan? Yea. I do.

On bad days I binge eat things. Its something I have been trying to overcome for years. If I buy it and bring it in the house (which I'm normally really good about not doing) I want to eat it all. Ice cream, cookies, or candy. Its honestly never in the house long. My hunny loves to bring stuff like that home once in awhile and I try my hardest to stay away from it but if I give in to it then I want it all. Now. I asked him awhile back to stop bringing it home and so far so good. Its been weeks since we had a bag of Oreos in the house and I really haven't binged on anything in awhile. Oh wait! At my friends little girls birthday party this weekend I ate about 42 rice crispy treats (totally exaggerating here but I know I had way too many!)

So, so far today I've had a bowl of Cheerios with almond milk and a large decaf Carmalizer made with Coconut milk from Dutch. At my normal coffee shop next to my salon I get an Americano, decaf with half and half and some honey. Exciting I know.

We just left the gym after lifting for almost and hour. I didn't get to swim which broke my heart but the pools were both full of classes. This was me yesterday....in heaven...

Now I'll have a protein shake to get me through until after a photo shoot I'm going to do and the doctor appointment I have.

Hopefully she will help and not just say "that's your lot in life unless you want to eat nothing and workout 6 hours a day".  I want to get My thyroid decked out again (I'm super exhausted again and my hair is falling out again) and get my hormones checked out. The last time I asked my other doctor to check my hormones out for me like estrogen, progesterone and testosterone and she said we already know they are messed up because of your thyriod and ignored my request.
Ugh...

Hopefully this gal is better!

Let's hope!

Swimming

I've always loved swimming. As a kid I remember being in our above ground pool learning to swim when I was super small. It was so fun. My mom probably didn't think so.

I remember one time my lovely, protective big brother and a friend of his were making a whirlpool in in said pool. I was in a little floaty toy and they hadn't noticed I flipped over mid whirl! My mom quickly fetched me out of the water and I was just fine.
I still loved swimming.

My grandma used to take all the grand kids to the beach every time she got. I would run straight for the water every time. I would stay in it having the waves knock me over and over. It's what I looked forward to every summer.

The last week we have spent lots of hours in our new gyms pool. Now, little miss loves the water as well. She asks to go every day now. Heck yes we can go to the pool! Let's roll!
Today the hubby and little girl played in the shallow end while I tried the lanes. I have been wanting to actually learn how to officially swim now for a few years. I try and I am horrible at It. I can't get the rhythm down or the breathing. I'm sucking in air and water at the same time and blowing out what air I have saved under the water. It's honestly hilarious.

It doesn't help either that I have a fear of deep ends in pools. It's weird, I know.

My first lap to he 6 foot area I just about jumped out. I had to calm myself down from screaming like a little girl to the hubby to come save me! I mean if the little 9 year old next to me can be playing there then I needed to suck it up! No little water monsters were going to take me under.

So, off I went back to the shallow end. I did a lot of laps in about an hour span. It was so amazing. Even though I have a breath length shorter then your average tree trunk- I think it went pretty well. My legs are sore out and my arms are feeling it as well.
Tomorrow I'll try and do some more laps while the little is in the big kid class.

Hopefully I won't drown.

Starting Over. Again.

A few years ago I was in the best shape of my life. Mentally and physically. I had lost about 55 pounds and was weighing in at about 178. To some people that may be very big still but I was happy. I could wear the clothes that I wanted. I had a pretty positive body image. I could Run. Train Jiu Jitsu, or Muay Thai kick boxing and do an hour of circuit training and still have the energy to go out with a friend after.
Around this time I met the love of my life. We met at the gym and fell in love. He is amazing. We found out awhile later that I was pregnant. Yay! Life was even more exciting then ever. The love of my life and I were making plans to have our first baby together.
I had a relatively normal pregnancy. Little bit of morning sickness, couldn't handle certain smells and so on but nothing crazy.
Because I did such intense workouts my coaches stopped me from doing a lot of my normal training. At the time I worked out in a very hot warehouse of a gym and so I was only allowed to be on the row machine for small amounts of time.
I hated it. It wasn't what I wanted to do so I slowly stopped going. The morning sickness was making workouts almost impossible anyway so by the time my morning sickness had subsided I was past the "you can go back to working out" stage in my pregnancy.
By this time my prenatal depression had totally sunk in. Oh, I didn't mention that lovely part of my pregnancy? Well, at that time I thought it was normal. Normal to be up at night shaking in fear that someone was going to take my baby away from me. And for no valid reason did I have this fear. I had an amazing supportive boyfriend that did everything he could to help. My parents were shocked I was pregnant at first but were also very supportive.
I guess between history of having depression and the abrupt stop to my exercising made a perfect storm and I was living in horrible fear. The worst part is that no one knew anything about it.
I hid it super well. I didn't want to be labeled as the "crazy pregnant girl" so I didn't talk about it much. If I did talk about anything it was super vague and I brushed it off like it was nothing.
When I had my little girl I cried tears of joy. I remember having tears just pour down my face because I loved this little girl so much.
I was so super excited to be a mom. And about a minute after I saw her for the first time my prenatal depression turned into horrible postpartum depression. It was horrible. Again I hid it. I didn't understand what was going on in my head. Where the thoughts were coming from. I remember walking around about my third night in the hospital (I had a planned C-section, she was Breech) thinking I can't take her home. I have to tell a nurse that I'm going crazy and then they will take her and keep her safe.
It was the best and worst part of my entire life. Here I have this amazing little girl who is perfect in every way, an amazing supportive boyfriend a wonderful family all around me, and all I could think is take me to a mental hospital because I am loosing it. I couldn't not be around her but I also didn't want be around her alone. I was scared. Not because of what may happen but why these intruding thoughts were happening. And it was all day and all night. I tried to make them stop. I did everything. Sing a song. Think about fun days my love and I had gone on. Tell my baby girl I loved her for every time I had a crazy thought. It was horrible.
It took about 10 months for my doctor to figure out what was wrong with me. I blamed my hypothyroidism. It was really the only health problem besides depression that I had ever really dealt with.
My doctor said I was depressed. I told her no. I was happier then I even was. I had my new baby, an amazing man who I was now married to, and I had lost all my baby weight and was back into all My favorite clothes.  There was NO reason for me to be depressed. Except that I was.
I was diagnosed with OCD postpartum depression. It's not like normal baby blues a lot of women go through. Its a lot worse. And it took my Doctor going to a Seminar the weekend before my appointment ON postpartum depression to figure me out. I never once led on to it because I was scared she would think I was a horrible mom. And all you even see about it in any paperwork is "if you think you're going to hurt your baby, you may have postpartum depression" which is of no help!
Well, I wasn't going to hurt my baby I knew that for sure. But the thoughts I had made it seem like I was going too. I felt absolutely crazy. I actually looked into checking myself into a hospital a couple of times.
The minute my doctor told me it was ok that these thoughts were "normal" a huge weight lifted off of me. I knew then that I wasn't the only one like this. That many many women go through it.  She in fact was one of them as well.
After that appointment I was put onto an antidepressant and I got a lot better. Mentally I was thinking clearly and could function again. But with this new mental clarity came an enormous weight gain being on new medication.
Over the next 2 years I gained 75 pounds. I watched the scale go up and up. Some weeks I tried to stop it. Some weeks I didn't care at all.
And that is where I am at today. I am still on my antidepressants and still take thyriod medication to help it function. It doesn't seem to want to function properly because every time I go in to get my blood work done it is always off the wall crazy numbers. Sometimes super high (which is really bad) and sometimes really low (which is also really bad).
Lately I have been doing much better about my eating and working out. Since getting out of school in Feburary I started working out a little more regularly. And by that I mean like 6 or 8 times a month. I know. Going from 3 or 4 hours a day, 4 days a week to being proud of a few times a month. Ugh.
Now My hubby and I signed up at a new gym and I am loving it. I go do some cardio and we play some racquet ball a few times a week. I have been out in the garden cleaning it for summer and also watching what I'm eating again. Some days are better then others. Some days I do wonderful while others I eat everything in sight.
I just started a Dietbet online so that is the reason I decided to start a blog.
I need the accountability. I need to know that people are rooting for me along with my husband. He tries so hard to help me and I love him for that. Now I need to know other gals who have gone through what I've gone through and come out fine on the other side.

I'm off to the gym...