One year

What would you do if you knew you only had a week to live? If you knew on a certain day at a certain hour that your life would be no longer?

Being a Christian I know my life isn't really ending but just beginning. However, my life here on earth would be so hard to leave behind. Even knowing there is perfect peace and loved ones waiting for me on the other side I would still want to stay here. I'm sure that sounds dumb to a lot of people. Perfect peace over stress? I can't imagine not being able to hug my little girl and my husband for however long it would take for them to join me.

I would want to see my little girl grow up. Watch her graduate from high school. See her in love. And eventually watch her have babies of her own.

I would miss my husband picking on me, supporting me and laughing with me at all my weird little quirks.

A lot of people that may read this know I lost a close friend last year. She had become like a sister to me. We would fight and laugh in the same sentence. I would pick on her and she would pick on me. We pushed each other's buttons daily. I would make her freeze while we worked and she would leave her nail drill going so the sound would bug me to no end. We were together more then some families are during the week. We worked 5 days a week together for a little over 2 and a half years.

We also went and did a lot of things together as well. Movies, Thirty-one parties, dinners and a lot of social get togethers with other friends.

She was suddenly taken in a horrible car crash almost a year ago now. 12 days from now, a year will have passed since she and her fiance went out on their regular date night. They were diving home and another driver crossed over into their lane and hit and them head on. Thankfully, their young daughter was not with them and miraculously her fiance walked away with minor injuries.

I think about that night daily. It's something that I can't stop thinking about actually. We had gone away for the weekend and had gotten home a couple hours before the crash. I didn't text her because I didn't want to bug her. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to go to bed.

So, there I was in the morning with a ton of messages on my phone and a post from her fiance telling her to come back to him. People asking me what happened? Where is she? Is she ok? What about her fiance and daughter? I didn't know what they were all talking about! I heard the house phone ring and I grabbed it and it was my mom.

"Kelly, don't get on Facebook!"

"I already am, what the hell is going on?"

"She's gone, baby girl, she's dead."

"What are you talking about. Whatever, I have to go and figure out what happened."

I was instantly overwhelmed. My first thought was that it's not true. There is no way that could happen to someone I know this close. That is what happens to other people's friends. Not mine.

My second thought was her baby girl. And then I started sobbing. I couldn't handle knowing she wasn't going to have her mommy. It's not right. She's such a baby. She needs her. It's not fair.

I sobbed all day. My poor husband had never seen me really cry, let alone sob uncontrollably. He was a mess too. He didn't know how to talk to me. Or handle the situation. He just took care of our little one. It's all he could do.

Until now I've never really spoken about that day to anyone that isn't very close to me. Loosing a friend is so hard but I have no idea what it would be like to loose a mom or a daughter or a fiance so suddenly.

My feelings of loss are nothing in comparison and I can only imagine what it must be like. I mourn for my friend daily still. I go past the accident site and look at her flowers and sometimes I smile while other times my heart breaks.

I never thought something like this would shake me to the core like it did. It was such a sudden loss. I mean, I had taken pictures of a bath bomb that smelled like Gain detergent to show her at work the next week. She always had everything smell like Gain. The towels, her clothes, bags. Everything. She was like a walking billboard for Gain. She loved that smell.

Loosing such a close friend is something I'm dealing with on a daily basis and trying to get past it. My road to healthy isn't just body but also mental health as well. And mourning someone who is dancing in heaven while we are suffering is not healthy.

She would be so mad to see me so upset over her. She would give me a big hug that she knew I cringed over and tell me it's ok. I'm fine. And to not cut her baby's hair.

I miss you friend. I'll never forget our laughs and our fights but I need to let go.

-your rockstar of a friend, Kelly.