Not dead...

It's been a hot minute-no make that hot MONTH(s)- since I have written anything. (I have tried to write SO many times but when you exit out of this wonderful app without actually saving first...it erases everything! Can you say Microsoft Word 1998!? Get with it Blogger!) That being said, you haven't missed too much. I have stayed on track some and gone astray.
Lately I have been doing well with my workouts and not so much with my eating. But seriously now, it was Thanksgiving week. Yes week. Or am I the only one who has a while week of Thanksgiving. And no not because I have multiple families I have to eat Turkey Dinner with but because my birthday is almost always the same week. It leads to lots of dinners out, lots of desserts for celebrating and lots of bad choices. We also have our kitchen torn apart right now as well.
So, between the week of Thanksgiving and Birthday celebrations and the kitchen being torn apart we have not eaten the best and I haven't had any time really to work out. Most nights have been taken by family time or kitchen construction.
Good excuses? No? Whatever. Tomorrow is a new day and I plan on making the best of it. We went food shopping today so we should be able to stay in track this week a lot easier. Kitchen is still torn apart a little but I have some foods that won't require too much prep or cleanup.
Oh! I started training for a Tough Mudder! O once had someone tell me I could never do one so I'm on a mission to prove to myself that I can! It's been so much fun! A couple close friends and I have been walking, weight training and doing some HITT cardio to try and start us off. They have been great accountability partners and cheerleaders. We are going to kick some butt!
I'll try and start logging my workouts better and writing it here for anyone who might get some use out of it. I was logging my food for about 3 weeks and then set the book aside and haven't logged in 2. Its weird how you get so good at writing things down and then poof it's like you never did it once!
I am also trying to set more goals. And not the big ones like...loose 100 pounds. But the small reachable ones that everyone is always talking about. I'm a big goal setter! I want it done and done now! So, making little goals to reach has always been a weird concept for me but I'm going to try it out some more and see if it really helps.
I want to set some small goals in a few different areas so I feel like I'm accomplishing more like I'm used too but make sure they are small so that I can reach them.
So let's see...
Weekly goals
Food...
Goal #1 Log my food for an entire week
#2 Tea instead of coffee drinks
#3 No eating lunches out
Workout Goals...
Goal #1 walk 10 miles outside
#2 one bike ride inside
#3 one night if HITT cardio
Month Goals....
#1 no blatantly sugary foods until Christmas Eve (ahhhhh!! sugar how I love thee!)
#2 take time every day for myself
#3 slow down
Do you set goals? Are they normally the big ones like I do? Get your teaching certificate! Loose 100 pounds! Repaint the entire inside of the house! Remodel the kitchen in 2 days! Ha! See! My goals are big goals! Some I've done- some I'm working on and some are just not gonna happen! 2 days? Ha!
Have an amazing week!

Carrots or Cancer?

When some people think about health all they think about is weight and not disease. I'm one of those people...is it in a good range? Am I too overweight? Am I too underweight? What do I need to do to get it in a "normal" range so that I'm "healthy" again? Why do we as a society place so much focus on our weight and not our actual HEALTH?

Most of the time I only think about what I eat and what I shouldn't have eaten because it will add extra calories to my day. Which, in turn will add extra pounds to my already over weight body. I don't ever give much thought as to what else these calories I'm eating are doing to my body.

Bad blood pressure? High cholesterol levels? Diabetes? Cancer?

I'm pre-diabetic and have been for a few years now but I never really think about the fact that I could have life long problems with my health when I'm eating bad foods. I again, only think about the calories. It's what I have been led to focus on as a citizen of this great country of ours. The fact that I could have bad circulation, bad feet, possible dialysis and even something as bad as a diabetic coma happen isn't something that is on the front of my mind. It's the calories.

Lame. Super lame.

I have, over the last few days started a new workout program that I had a friend and Personal Trainer make out for me. It's been a great workout and since I'm doing this awesome workout program, I'm not wasting these workouts by eating badly all day. I have really focused on what I've been putting in my body and it's not only been for the calorie count this time either.

I'm trying to focus more on my overall health. (I'm telling you, this journey is a very hard journey when you don't know how to be in good health naturally) My mind is getting better daily. The depression is almost fully gone which has been amazing. I actually feel normal again. No more medication to try and dull the depression. The workouts help those good feelings as well. Got to love good ol' endorphins.

I'm trying to take what I learned from my couple of Doctor visits in town at the weight loss doctor and putting it to use but in my own way. (Remember it was an extreme DIET that I was following and not a way of life.) He wanted me to eat his meals every so often with a certain amount of calories in each meal. I'm still doing that but with my own food. I got sick of his food pretty quick. Eating protein bars and or pre made meals wasn't the greatest tasting or the healthiest as far as I'm concerned. Now, I'm still following what he wanted me to do with the amount of food and how often but I'm eating whole food again.

By eating whole foods again I'm focusing on my over all health and not just the calories. I'm making sure that I'm putting GOOD food into my body that are lower in calories. Fruits. Vegetables. Lean Meats. Good food. And I feel better already. No more pre-made meals, protein bars that taste like cardboard and no more chemical concoctions that are only 75 calories but could feed an army. It's a super easy way of eating but at what cost? Cancer? Diabetes? Heart Disease?

So, if you've been on a journey like I have been, lets focus on our health and not just the calories. Lets focus on healthy foods in our bodies and not chemically made food with only 3 calories because we want a smaller waist. Lets try focusing on eating whole foods, healthy foods. Working out. Getting outside and getting our heartbeat up.

Three Years Difference

There's nothing like going to a place you haven't been in a long time. Going back, exploring the places you once went. Seeing the same sites with a new view and with a totally different body! It's a real eye opener!

Man! Let me tell you, walking up the trail from Wedding Rock or the trail from Agate Beach when you're not in shape just sucks! My heart was racing, my legs shaky. It was definitely an eye opening experience.

The last time my little family came here we were here on our Honeymoon. The little was here with us at 6 months of age and the hubby and I were in super great shape. I was the smallest I had ever been and could hike and walk all over with a baby on my front with really no problem at all.

It made me a little sad to have to walk a little slower and to be a little more out of breath this time but hey! I still did all the same stuff! I guess there is a little silver lining!

I remember the month before our wedding I went on a strict Paleo diet. I was working out a ton then as well. I didn't cheat almost at all, maybe a little ranch on my potato or a small treat here and there. It really was an amazing diet, I lost a lot of belly fat which is what I really wanted the most at that point.

Cutting out all the extra starchy carbs was what really helped. No bread, no chips or crackers and no dairy! The only hard part for me was all the meat I was supposed to be eating. I don't like meat, so I had to choke down what I needed to eat everyday. I think, had I just found a different source of protein for myself, I would have enjoyed it more.

Since we decided this week to go out of town for the weekend last minute I didn't plan on what I might be eating. We went out to a few different restaurants and I  didn't choose very wisely. I've also had sweets as well. So, back on that wagon again tomorrow.

I have to go shopping tonight for some groceries so I'll make sure and grab lots of fruits so I can have some natural sugar and not feel like I'm depriving myself of anything.

Back to the gym tomorrow! Get that cardio level back up!

Thoughts Can Make You Beautiful

Today was a good day. A better day.

I woke up thinking about my last blog and how I was going to do something about it. How I was going to make a change in the way I think about myself. Now, I didn't just wake up with magical thoughts of how amazing I am but I did wake up feeling better about myself. I woke up with thoughts on how my little one sees me.

At work today I had a previous client of mine see me headed to the coffee shop next door. We chatted for a minute and walked in together. She stared at me unlike she ever had before. Then out of nowhere she said "You look so beautiful, what is it?" I just said thank you. I chalked it up to my better mood. I guess beauty does come from the inside.

On to another topic...My Diet.

 It's been ok the last few days. Not the greatest though. I have had my problems with sweets again. So, I have decided to cut out sugar again. Last year on Halloween I decided that I was done with sugar. I had ate so much the days before Halloween that I literally made myself sick. So, I stopped that morning and for about 4 months never had anything that was blatantly sugary. That meant candy, sweet coffee drinks, pastries of any kind and so on. If I knew that there was a lot of sugar in it or was going to eat it to get my sugar fix, I stayed away from it.

Now, I didn't really do this in hopes of loosing all sorts of weight because I know my body and just because I cut something like that out doesn't mean my body is going to be like Oh! Here, I'll drop all this weight off here for you!! No, it's more like; Oh! Let's just crave bread and crackers now! and will still hold onto the weight. But I need to be away from it. I'm craving it constantly again and I'm tired of the consequences that I have to deal with when I eat a lot of it. Heartburn, upset stomach, bad skin and the list goes on.

Tomorrow I will cut it out again. I will go until the first of the year so that I can get past the holidays without eating a tons of sweets. (I will have a slice of pie or something here and there on the holidays or birthdays but nothing on a daily basis) I get lots of gifts at the salon over the holidays and most of them include some sort of sweets. I LOVE them, but I have to stay away again this year. I can't gain anymore weight and I am really trying to loose still.

I saw on Facebook today a post that I had made 6 years ago today. It said this...
"So.....been doing Jiu Jitsu now for 9 months... down 30 pounds and 33 inches from all over....and still going" I loved seeing it. I remember posting it and being so happy about my loss. I was shocked over the amount of inches I had lost. It was such an amazing feeling knowing the work I was putting in was paying off! 33 inches? That's just crazy! 


Here's to 33 inches more!

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

Have you ever stopped and taken a good look in the mirror?

I mean a good look. A look that makes you actually see yourself. Not the person you see yourself coming and going. I mean really stop, and look. Look at yourself as a whole. Not the flaws you normally would be nagging yourself about.

We all have this inner voice and I so wish I could hear others. I would love to know what goes through other peoples minds to see if it is what I have going through mine...

"Wow, you're fat"
"You'll never loose weight again"
"Ugh, your skin is so uneven."
"Dimple here, dimple there..."
"Maybe I should be one of those 'Body Positive' girls so I don't have to loose weight"
"I'm sure some people think I'm attractive right?"
"My poor husband..."

These are just some thoughts in my daily internal monologue. I'm sure you're thinking it was all rays of sunshine and rainbows in there but I'm honestly very, very hard on myself when it comes to my weight and my body image. It is a never ending battle that I don't stop thinking about. It's another reason I am writing this blog. Hopefully, if i'm not the only one, I'll get passed it with you.

Is this what other people think about? Or, do you think about sunshine and rainbows all day?

I mean yes, I do think about other things. I'm not all dark and twisty inside. I have good days, and wonderful thoughts as well. Just yesterday I was thinking about how unbelievably blessed I am to have such a great husband and daughter. I am literally the luckiest person alive when it comes to them. My little is such a good little girl. I am just in awe of her daily and that is something I think about all day. My family is amazing also. But, I don't think good thoughts about myself personally. Those, those are normally dark and twisty.

I think my issue is that the bad always stands out more than the good. I see the bad in myself more than the good.

I'm a good person. I do good things, I offer good advice and try and make sure people are having good days and uplift them but I can't seem to do the same for myself. Weird.

I have seen multiple postings about people going into the bathroom or bedroom and standing completely naked in front of a mirror and telling yourself how wonderful you are. Nothing negative at all...

"You're beautiful"
"You're so strong"
"You can do amazing things"
"Look at those curves, Beyonce would be jealous"

It doesn't happen, I've tried. I have tried standing there in all my glory and all that comes to mind is the bad. And to boot, I get embarrassed. Why do I feel embarrassed of my own body? I'm sure I need therapy, right? How can one be embarrassed to stand in the mirror when nobody is watching? Maybe it's shame? I don't know.

I can remember right before my pregnancy I could actually stand in the mirror and think some good thoughts every so often. I had also lost those 55 pounds I have talked about. Is it easier to look at yourself in the mirror if you're at a "better" weight? Shouldn't I be able to look and think good thoughts about my current body...

"Look at those stretch marks, they came when you were holding your beautiful baby inside your belly"
"Look at those strong arms and hands, they hold your passion every day. They make people feel and look their best"
"Look at that small scar where your little girl was pulled from your body so she could make you smile every day."
"You are an amazing mother"
"You're a freaking Rockstar!"

Why can't these be my thoughts? Is there someone telling me I can't think these thoughts instead of the first dark thoughts? What could I do with all that positivity? How would I change for the better if I could say those things to myself instead of "You suck"?

I bet, I could have a even better day. I bet, I could have a better self worth. I could walk around with my head held higher than before. I could actually love others better. I wouldn't have to get passed myself and my own issues so that I could open up to others. I could just be there, not having to jump through my own hurdles to get to theirs to help. I could be a much better person.

So, what's stopping me?

Me. Nobody but me. How lame is that?

My little tells me "Oh, momma, you're so beautiful." I just smile and say thank you even thought I can't see what she says. She sees me for me. She sees me like I should see me. Beautiful. She comes up to me and asks to feel my muscles and says "You're so strong!" I should see my strength and not my weaknesses.

So, here I am in front of my mirror. I'm looking at myself like she looks at me. Strong and beautiful. Someone with amazing value. Someone who can do it all. Someone who can work, be a mom and a wife and still have time for some Candyland and crafting. She sees me this way and I never want to let her down. So, what is stopping me from being these amazing things that my wonderful little sees in me?

Nothing.

Wagon? What wagon?

There is a saying people often use when one has strayed from their new journey they started, "She fell off the wagon".

To put it bluntly- I've jumped, burned and ran far far away from the wagon.

I went to my doctors about 2 weeks ago and weighed in, not bad, I had gained the mysterious 2 pounds I had lost, back. I honestly was shocked I hadn't gained more.

The last week or so has been my worst week in a very long time. We had family come visit so we ate out for 2 days straight. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. That was calorie city, let me just tell you!

I also had a yard sale with some friends over the weekend and I came super unprepared food wise. The night we set up I had nothing with me to eat so, I ate some pizza that was staring at me in the face. So good!

The next day durning the sale I had nothing but junk. Again, with the no preparation. I didn't even think about food! It was the last thing on my mind so, when it was time to eat, we ate out, of course and it wasn't healthy.

I have been trying to continue to eat every so often making sure my metabolism doesn't slow down but eating the junk I have been eating hasn't been very smart. I also haven't made it to the gym in a 2 weeks either.

I tried going back to my old gym and train Jiu Jitsu. It was so much fun. I loved every minute of it. It's amazing what your muscle memory is like when you haven't done something in so long...it just makes your body do what it needs to do without having to think about it at all. Amazing. 

I also have had a back issue for about 6 months now and being laid on and twisted around and thrown to the ground made it a lot worse. I had a pinched nerve bugging for this past 2 weeks. Ugh. Makes me sad. I was so excited to be back on the mats. But, even doing the light rolling that I was doing, hurt. I need to wait and try again soon.

I have a goal to loose some pounds and try and go back. Hopefully, when I've lost some more weight, my back won't be an issue anymore and I can go have fun training again.

Tomorrow I am headed to our "normal" gym to do some weight lifting and possibly some swimming. I've made my lunch and grabbed some small meals for the day while at work and for before and after the gym.

Hopefully I can stay in track and jump back on that torched wagon!

Here's to starts, re-starts, and starts again!! Never quit, right?

Boredom

What's the cure for boredom?

Is there a cure? Is it what your mom used to tell you when you were a kid?

Mine always told me "If only I could be bored..." whenever I said I was bored and then gave me a list of things I could go do- clean my room, do my homework, watch a movie, go play outside and so on. The list could have included Disneyland and I wouldn't have been impressed. And lately I feel the same way.

There are weeks that I am so busy I can't even get a breath to myself. Then there are weeks that I am so free that I get to work on anything I choose or I can sit and binge watch Grey's Anatomy if I wanted.

This week has been the Grey's week and I couldn't be more bored! I have a million things that I could be doing. I could finish painting my walls, work on any number of projects I want to do, write, finish my videos I have started, garden, do laundry, the list goes on. Do I want to do any of it? Nope. Not a thing. Even taking a nap sounds too boring. What is wrong with me??

Today I forced myself to go out and clean up the shed we have. It has holiday decorations, photo albums, memories, and all the other normal stuff you find in a storage shed. I went through and purged, (imagine that!) got stuff ready for the yard sale this weekend and re-organized the rest. It looks amazing. I even got my labeler out and labeled everything so I could see what was what without having to dig into the bins.

Normally I would be so excited I got this finished. I love to clean that shed. I don't know what it is but I do it like 3 or 4 times a year. Today, I was bored the whole time I was in there. I didn't want to do it, my back hurt like crazy, I was super hot (it's in direct sun all day) and I just wanted to do something else. But nothing at all.

Why am I in this funk?? What is this nagging bored feeling I have? Do other people get like this? Do you have days or even weeks where you feel like you really don't want to do anything but doing nothing sounds so boring?

I don't know if I need time to myself, time with family or time with friends. I don't want to eat healthy but eating junk is getting old fast. I kinda want to workout but my back has been killing me since starting back to Jiu Jitsu last week and I have no ambition to get there. I have a fully edited video ready to post but I haven't wanted to spend the 18 minutes it takes to do a voice over on it. I have a ton of things I could be doing but I can't want to do them. Even Pinterest is boring! A thought I didn't think I could ever think!

I am hating this feeling. How do I shake it?

Is there a way to get yourself out of a funk like this? Tequila shots? Running? Spa day? Wait it out? What has helped you? I can't be the only one here....

The Purge

It's one of those nights that I have a million things running through my head. I can't sleep because I want to DO! I want to get up and blog (that's why I'm here!). I want to edit videos I have ready and I want to sell all my stuff!

What?

Sell all my stuff?

Yes.

I'm a shopper. I love it. I've talked a little about it before...put me in a store, large or small and I can shop for hours if it is something in interested in. Put me in an electronic store and I'd be bored after about 20 minutes. Put me in a home/clothing/makeup/shoes/garden/tools/thrift and so on and you have to pry me out!

I don't know what it is. I can look for hours. I don't even have to buy. Sometimes I'll shop all day and spend like 10$. It's not because I don't have the money it's because I do try and NOT buy stuff! I wish I could be one of those people that doesn't LIKE to shop. It would be amazing! Then I could stay out of stores and not be lured in by amazing sales and clearance racks and "oh shiny!" everything!

Unfortunately I love it. So, because of this love, my lovely hubby has had to rein me in a bit. If he didn't, our house would be full of stuff that we "totally needed!"

Like I talked a little bit about in my Documentary blog, I also said I love to purge! Yes, that is a weird combo but hey! I'm weird so that's ok. Maybe it's because I like to shop so much that I can purge and buy new! No, not really ha!

On this whole road to discovering who I am and changing the way I live, I have tried to change my love for shopping as well. It's not a healthy habit. I don't need that instant gratification I get from shopping. I like it, but I don't need it.

So here I am...wanting to shop and upgrade and buy new and even old (I LOVE antiques!) but I'm trying to change for the better and accumulating a bunch of stuff isn't going to better myself.

That being said, it's garage sale time!! Yes, again! I have a few of us going in together in a couple weekends and I'm hoping to sell a ton again. It's a reason I can't sleep tonight! I want to put things together. Start pricing things! Post pictures! Get it out!

I love the feeling I get after a good purge almost as much as I like the feeling I get after buying a while bag of makeup from Ulta!

After cleaning out drawers and selling off things that aren't needed I feel calm. It's totally that "less is more" thing. I can walk through my house and not be bothered by things that need attention- put away- cleaned or fixed!

I know I can't be the only one who likes to purge and shop! Anyone else? Let's do a huge purge together!!

Go through a room in your house, a drawer, anything that has been bothering you and get rid of stuff! Give it away, sell it, or trash it! Get rid of the extra junk you don't need and have a feeling of calmness as you walk through your house. It's only STUFF!

We aren't here to collect stuff we are here to love. So, get rid of the stuff that bothers you and have more time for love!

Don't eat the bad food! Don't over spend! Don't shop! Be happy with what you have now!! Nobody cares if your house is perfectly decorated. No one else will care what kind of car you drive as long as you're there! Eat what makes you happy and healthy! Go spend time with your family and friends!

Don't accumulate stuff!
Just love!

How do you stop?

Why do we choose to eat bad things when we know that they are bad for us?

We have all done it. Eat a candy bar while we scream in our head- NO!! But yet we still eat it. Why? Why do I eat something knowing that it is bad for me? Why am I ok with putting extra-not needed calories into my body when I'm trying to loose weight? Trying to be healthy?

I guess it's what everyone talks about- will power. Or is it? Is it because I have no will power that I've gained all this weight? Is it because I just don't care? Or is it because it's really hard to say no to bad food?

I want to think it's a mixture of all of it. I have amazing will power some days. I could say no to ice cream, chocolates and cheese its with no problems at all. The next day I'm shoveling in anything I can and it's never enough. Like the will power I had the day before was pointless and never there.

Is it hormones? Is it stress? Probably.

How do I overcome it? That's the big question I need answered. On days that I'm just not feeling it, or days that I want to eat everything in site- how do I say no? How do I choose the better option when I'm craving a fat greasy cheeseburger?

Unfortunately there is no one answer. Having planned out options is a great idea but there are a lot of days where planning goes out the window. Having snacks and healthy food all around you all the time doesn't stop me from buying something extra on days where I'm craving bad things. So, how do I stop myself?

I guess focusing on my goals will help. Imagining that day I get to go into my closet and pick out that super cute outfit I've been trying to fit into and finally getting to wear it!

I'll focus on being healthy for my little. I don't want her to struggle like I have my whole life. I want her focus to be on something else than loosing weight all the time.

Most importantly I'll focus on me. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to hike. I want to run without feeling like I'm going to die. I want to be able to sit in any chair and feel comfortable and not awkward. I want to sit and not have to fix my shirt over my rolls. I want to be able to cross my legs again and be comfortable doing so.

So here is to new thoughts and a new focus. If you need help- message me. I'm here for you with no judgement because trust me I've been there!

Eating bad. Sometimes.

So, it's been a few weeks since I have written anything and I guess it's time for confession. Bless me fath...no not that kind but still a confession none the less.

After vacation I did my weigh in and had only gained about 2 pounds. With everything I ate, I was shocked! I should have gained at least 5 but more like 10! I guess all the walking and little bits of hiking we did helped keep foods from sticking to me.

Since vacation (2 weeks now...feels like 2 months!) I haven't been eating the greatest. I have done great during the days most days but then when evening hits we have eating bad. I haven't had my amazing veggie patties until tonight...that killed me!

The hubby got hurt at work so he was off for a couple days and was super board at home. He's so used to working out at our 2 different gyms at least 4 days a week, before vacation, that he just about lost it. So, because he can't do anything physical we have mainly just walked, soaked in the hot tub or pool, shopped some and ate. And by eating I mean eating out.

I think I've made dinner like 6 times since being home. That leaves about 8 or 9 days of eating out. (ugh! the money we have wasted!!) Calories add up super fast eating out! We have gone to places like Outback, had some nummy Mexican food, ate frozen pizza and even had Sonic last night for dinner.

As I ate my popcorn chicken I glanced at the calorie count next to the number on the menu...1100 to 1200. (don't do that! Ever!) Holy moly. That's more then I should eat in a day right now. Freaked me out some so I ate the chicken, and only ate a couple of the onion rings and shared my drink with the little and tried not to think about it.

This morning I weighed in on my own scale. I'm still up my 2 pounds but not any higher. It's funny because I have been expecting it to keep climbing but it hasn't. It's like I'm testing myself. Like, well- this whole diet thing didn't work so I can give up now and just be fat forever. But it's not going up despite the horrible way I've been eating in the late afternoon and evening.

When I talked to my doctor at my appointment a week and a half ago she (a P.A. for my normal doctor) told me that I've kept my metabolism going by eating every few hours even when I was eating horrible on vacation. So, even though I ate horrible and have continued to eat that way some of the time, my metabolism is staying higher then normal.

If you don't understand I'll try and explain...hopefully I'm not telling it totally wrong! This is how my doctor explained it to me in a nutshell....

If you go hours and hours between meals your body thinks it may be your last for hours or even days so it freaks- stores all your food (fat) for energy later on. Then when you get you next meal it will do the same thing - store fat. Thus you'll gain weight or maybe just stay the same weight.
By eating every 2 to 3 hours your body is getting the nutrition it needs and it doesn't think you're starving. So it knows it can burn some of your excess fuel (fat). Once you've started eating every couple of hours for a few days straight your body knows you're not starving and decides to release excess fat. Thus you loose weight.

I think that is how it was explained to me so if I got a little messed up I'm sorry. Go ahead and Google away and you will find it explained to you very well by someone that knows way more about then I!

But here is what it had done for me. Because I have eaten on a normal schedule of every 2 to 3 hours (even bad meals) I've kept my metabolism up and haven't gained anything to speak of. I've been basically just sitting where I have been for a few weeks now.

So ask yourself...Are you eating enough? Are you keeping your body from freaking out and storing every bite you take in after 8 hours of not eating? I know it's hard to eat every 2 to 3 hours. That's why I have bars and premade protein shakes at my fingertips all the time. That way I know I can eat or drink something fast. Get it out of the way and go about my day. Now I know it would be great to eat bad food all day every 2 or 3 hours but you have to eat something healthy. No candy meals!

Don't like protein bars? Or Shakes? Grab a few slices of deli meat a string cheese and 2 hard boiled egg whites. You can come up with a lot of different meals if you're not ok with eating the same thing most days or don't like the shakes and bars.

Well here I am about a month into my journey and I'm down about 7-ish pounds. Its funny because 2 months ago I would be super proud and all woohooing at a 7 pound loss. This month, because I know I could have done better I'm upset with myself. Not in a bad way like I want to give up, or I'm shaming myself. Just in a way that I know I could have made better choices.

August is just a few days a way and I'm onto a new month and a new outlook. I have done great this month, failed miserably and had okay days in between. I'm still down some pounds and I'm happy about that. This month I want to loose another 7 pounds.

Here's to eating every 2 or 3 hours, getting lots of protein at every meal and eating a nice healthy dinner! Let's do this thing!!

Here's also to fall coming around the corner!! My favorite! Yay sweatshirts and boots!! Little early? Yea I know haha!

Vacation Overload!

Let's see here. I can lie, be honest but still keep some things in or I can be brutally honest. Which is me?

Yep- Brutally honest.

I have eaten everything in sight.

If it was there- I ate it. I didn't stick to my plan really at all. I'm sure I've gained weight, if not all of it back. My body holds on to calories like a dog with a bone. It ain't lettin go! And I have felt like crap every night!

Let me start by saying I did have fun. Every day I enjoyed myself with my family. We walked and hiked and ate and saw the sights and shopped and hiked and walked and walked. And then walked some more. Which you would think that walking and average of12 miles a day would help cut the calories from sticking. I doubt it. Maybe for some but not for this ol bod. I look at food and I gain weight.

So, what am I going to do now that vacation is over in T-minus 24 hours? Start fresh in the morning! I'm not going to weigh myself when I get home. I don't want to know. I will weigh in with my doctor at the end of the week. I'm not going to think about all the nummy food I ate and think badly of myself. I'm going to move on. Start over fresh.

Normally I would be kicking myself by now. Hating myself for letting myself eat the things I've eaten. For overdoing it. I would be looking in the mirror at night in agony. Wondering when I was going to stop. When I was going to have the will power to loose weight again. Flopping my fat around pinching, here and there. Looking at my big ol' butt in the mirror and think- wow! That's a big butt!

But this time I'm not- I'm not going to let those thoughts into my mind when I look into the mirror. I know that I had fun. I ate and enjoyed my sweets and goodies and I also ate things that were good for me. I am on a journey-not a perfect one but a normal ups and downs kinda journey. Real life.

Tomorrow I will start the morning with a protein shake and we will do our last leg of our vacation. We are in Reno for the night again trying to break up the long drive between Salt Lake City and home.

When we get home we will be going grocery shopping for the week and getting everything we need to juice for a few days to get rid of all these horrible foods we all have been eating. As well as normal everyday food we are used too. The little won't know what to do....no sweets? Ha! Poor thing will be going through junk food withdraws with us! She normally eats super healthy so this week has been strange for her too. She's been in heaven though! A cookie, chocolate covered strawberry and an ice cream cone in the same day? Dang! My mom is the coolest!

No more though. No vacations planed for the next few months so healthy eating will be had by all, with no interruptions! I even have a gym date this week with my swole sister!

I also have to say that I really miss home. I miss normal food that I have to cook, driving to the gym and getting to swim. I miss being able to grab a cold protein shake from the fridge or cut up some fruit when I want. I miss my normal day to day eating and activities.

When you go from eating super healthy to super crappy you crave the good! And oh man does my body hate all this junk! By the end of the night I normally have a headache or a tummy ache. My body is trying to tell me to knock it off every day so far but I have been ignoring it until now. I can't wait to have a veggie patty with some fresh avocado and hopefully a home grown tomato tomorrow for dinner!! Yummmm!

Vacation time!

Vacations.
"Holiday", as my little would call it.

What do we do when we are around nothing but crazy good food? What if you're on a mission to loose weight but there is a beautiful slice of strawberry cheesecake looking at you saying "Eat me!". Well, in my case, I eat it. Maybe not all of it but I enjoy some of it.

Yesterday was the first day of our vacation.  We made our first stop in Reno, Nevada at a hotel that connects to other hotels. Lots of food and drinks all around me!

The trip to the hotel I did pretty well in my food choices. I did have some chocolate covered cranberries and some of those little round crackers with that horribly good fake cheese. But other then that I ate some grapes had a protein shake and a couple bottles of water.

Once we got to the hotel we walked around and decided to have buffet which of course was the hubby's first choice! It was great! I had little bits of different pastas with a salad, some fruit and of course I tried a bunch of those little deserts they have.  The little and I shared most of them and neither of us ate a whole one. It was perfect. I felt like I was having everything I wanted when I wasn't really eating a lot.

Later into the evening we decide to have more dessert...Gelato. so good! That was over doing it but, hey! I'm on vacation!! Haha!

Today we are heading to Las Vegas for a few days and we plan on eating at the buffets there too. I'll split up my good meals and "bad" meals. I'll try and eat as good as I can without going overboard but I do know I will be enjoying myself too. I have worked hard to get these first 10 pounds off and I don't want to gain any of it back.

Before we left home I made sure and went shopping for food that we could bring along and eat easily enough while driving. I cut up strawberries and packed blueberries, grapes and pineapple. I bought little packs of cheese with nuts and also brought some cheese sticks and lunch meat. These are our travel snacks and late night snacks if we need them. It helps in the calorie department and woth saving money. No sense in buying cut fruit at every gas station from home to Vegas at 3 times the price!

We will be doing lots and lots of walking and even a bit of hiking so we will work off some of the bad but remember you can't out work a bad diet. Sucks. But we can't.

I'll try and post a whole post of our vacation after we get back home. Pictures and all. Should be an amazing time visiting 3 different states. We have planned this trip for a few months now and I can't believe it's acatully happening! So much fun!!

Here's to being happy along this crazy  journey!

Bulls? What bulls?

Today has been the first day where I've actually craved food. Not just thought about how great it would be to have a donut or to eat some ice cream but actually craved food!

I want food! Like, all of it!! Not like sitting next to amazing chips and salsa that I can say no to. No, I want to eat everything! I'm so hungry today! It's been rough!

We all have days where we can say no to everything that is bad for us...
"Nope...no chips for me. I'm good."
"Nope, no Chick-fil-a for me, I got a goal!!"
"Thanks, no donuts for me!"

Then we all have days like this...
"Babe, let me smell your fries."
"Baby girl, you don't want that last piece of candy do you?"
"Babe, just give me the dang fries!!"
"Don't make me cut you for that last brownie!"

It just sucks! It's hard to know what I'm going to wake up like. One day I will wake up with the will power of a body builder, the next I day you have to pry food away from me!

All in all I've done really well today. I had a vegetarian omelet this morning with no cheese. (We are still out of town so we had to eat out.) I had a protein bar and a few protein drinks like normal and even had these little chocolate protein bites that are really good. However, for dinner the hubby wanted Chick-fil-A so we stopped there on our way back home. I had like 2 fries and a chicken sandwich without the top bun. Not great but could have been much worse!!

Days like today are why I started this blog. I wanted it to help keep me accountable. To know I have people in my corner. I also wanted those who read my blogs to know that we all have days where we wake up ready to "grab the bull by the horn" and then we smell fries and it's all over.

Tomorrow is a normal, but very long day at work. No- four hour drive. No reason to eat out. No reason to go off track. I'll make sure I bring enough food with me for the day and hopefully it'll also be a "bull by the horn" type a day!

Wish me luck!

Oh! These are the Chocolate Protein bites I was talking about. Super good!

Mexican Food

So there I was, sitting in my favorite kind of restaurant in the world- Mexican food. In a town that has amazing Mexican food! Oh my goodness! Chips and salsa. How I LOVE chips and salsa.

I did it....I said no. Even to the second dish of warm freshly made, perfectly salted slices of heaven that was placed on our table- I said no. Thank God for will power!! I had to use every last ounce I possibly had in my whole body but I said no.

I want them still. I can smell them. Oh man! But I have a mission. I have goals. And eating said freshly made, perfectly salted slices of heaven would add a ton of salt into my body. Bloating it all up. Making the scale go crazy high in just a day. I couldn't drink enough water to try and combat that bloat.

I still want them. I can say no though! Who says no to chips and salsa? Me! Wow. I guess my trip to getting healthy is on the right path.

For lunch I ordered the chicken fajitas. I skipped the tortillas which again almost killed me but I did it. I had the rice, refried beans and mixed veggies with chicken. I even ate the guacamole and most of the sour cream scoops. I enjoyed every bite.  I'm not feeling guilty because I didn't go over board. I didn't eat everything in sight. I daid no to chips ans salsa for goodness sake!

So if you don't think you can skip the amazing food in front of you, know you can! If I skipped fresh chips and fresh tortillas at an amazing authentic Mexican restaurant you can skip that amazing- bad for you food- too!

Chips. Mmmm chips. I want chips.

I may be dreaming of chips and salsa tonight.....

8 days down!

So! It's been a little over a week since starting my new diet and new road with my new doctor and all I can say is....

It's been WONDERFUL! Hard. But wonderful!

Seeing the number on the scale go down is AMAZING! I haven't seen the scale go down in over 2 years! Every time I have stepped on that stupid scale it's been one of 2 options....a larger number or the same dumb number I have seen the last 12 times I had stepped on it. But, it's actually going down! Wow. What a huge sense of accomplishment I have!

I know we all want to know how much weight I've lost since starting. It's been a total of 8 days and I've lost 10 pounds! Wow. I still can't even believe this. It's just amazing. I've even wake up feeling good! Not exhausted, not bloated from the day before, not depressed knowing I am still on this same road to higher scale numbers.

The meds my new doctor has me on have helped tremendously with energy and with not wanting to eat on a constant basis.

- The new Thyroid medicine seems to be helping a lot with my energy level and just with my overall health. I feel better. Happier. It's hard to explain. I feel normal.  I guess that's it. I feel normal! Not in a constant depressed, sleepy, brain foggy, could fall asleep at the drop of a hat- mood. I actually just realized that I don't have that constant brain fog anymore. Wow. What it's like to be able to think!!

-The appetite suppressants have really helped as well. The last couple of days I have forgotten to take my afternoon dose and I really have noticed the difference. In the evening is when I've always wanted to eat everything in site so the last few nights I've really had to work at not eating anything extra. Today I'll remember to take my afternoon dose since we are yet again out of town. I know we will be around a lot of food the next two days and I don't want to have that constant nag of hunger AND have all the nummy food I could want right at my finger tips. I know I'll cave!

I know a lot of my close friends have thyroid problems and may be wondering what he has me on that is extra. Well, I already take a pretty large dose of Levotyroxine at 150mcg (a T4 medicine). Most everyone I know is normally about 50 to 115. The extra med he put me on is a T3 medicine that is called Liothyronine. I would asume that my dose is pretty small at only 25mcg per tab.

If you don't know the difference between the two medicines and what T3 and T4 are, there are tons of websites that you can look up to know the differences. It's too much info for my little blog to get into. And I'd hate to mess it up and give you wrong information! So go learn what it all means if you don't know! It is very interesting to see what it all means and just how important your thyroid functioning properly is!!

The appetite suppressants he has me on have been on the market for almost 50 years and are FDA approved and have never been recalled. They are called Diethylpropion. If you're not near my doctor and want to try this medicne, ask your doctor about them! Never hurts to ask and I have not had really any side affects. And I'm SUPER sensitive to caffeine so if you're thinking they might be too much on you, I'd at least try one if your doc thinks it's a good idea. I get super hyper and talk and mile and minute in the morning if I don't take them while eating food. But even if I'm drinking my first protein shake of the day and take them, I'm normally just fine.

We all know I'm not a doctor so go and talk to your doctor, go see my doctor or find a new doctor. Talk to them about your thyroid if you have problems or think you might, ask about possibly adding in an appetite suppressant to aid in your excess hunger. I am definitely not the know all of this stuff but I do know what is currently helping me! And maybe it will help you too!

Ok, so what I've been eating the last couple of days has varied from what I ate the first few days that I was on this new diet. The last few nights (because of my lack of second appetite suppressant) I have wanted to eat A LOT! I've not let myself do that but I have had real meals instead of the boxed stuff I was eating.

Last night I went shopping with some close friends and before I left I wanted to make sure I wasn't hungry. I cooked 2 veggie patties that have about 10 grams of protein and about 44 grams of carbs for the both of them. I put sliced tomatoes over them and enjoyed every bite. They tasted good and were not too terrible for me. Little high in carbs but I also ate a protein bar that evened the protein to carb ratio out.

After 2 hours of shopping and trying on a ton a clothes I had worked up a huge appetite again. We all went to Subway around the corner and I had a salad with chicken (sorta-vegan) and all the veggies with a little sweet onion sauce as my dressing. It filled me up for the rest of the night and again wasn't terrible for me.

Technically I'm not supposed to eat any meals that aren't from my doctors office but it hasn't been very doable the last few days. And again because I haven't taken my afternoon doses of meds I want to eat a lot more then I should. I think at my appointment this week I'm going to tell him that I don't want to eat his meals the entire day. I need real food. I crave healthy food so I need to eat it. And he doesn't care, just wants to know so he can monitor it.

I'm so excited to weigh in this Friday. Never thought I'd say that or feel that way in a million years! Even on my previous weight loss journey did I get excited about weighing in! I always dreaded it.

Oh and to let you know- I  have been weighing in every day. (Only because I'm on this super strict part of my diet.) I have seen the scale go up and down even in this last week too the tune of a gain of 5 pounds in a day! So, if you're weighing in every day...stop! It's not good for us. It's hard to see a gain of 5 pounds in a day. You start to wonder what happened. What did I do wrong, what can I eat that's better? It's just our bodies. Tomorrow I'll be down 8 pounds! So don't weight in everyday! Just don't!

Docu-Kick

I love documentaries. I don't know what it is but I can watch them pretty much all day, everyday. Maybe it's because I get so caught up in them that I am either throwing away all my stuff to live "small" or buying a new juicer and a 20 pound bag of carrots to start juicing 5 times a day. The idea of something new to try is so much fun to me.

These are some of my favorite health types that are all on Netflix. Some are pretty graphic and all are very eye opening!

My poor family and mainly hubby has to put up with me when I get into a "docu-kick". I'm either telling them all about it or trying to get them on this new bandwagon with me... "Lets cut out all processed foods! It's killing us!" "Lets live in a house where we throw NOTHING away!!" It can all be used some how right? Can you say compost? Goggles from toilet paper rolls? That's right. Save it ALL!

Then a week later I watch a one on hording and throw EVERYTHING away!! NO more shopping EVER! Those are my purging days. Lately I've had a LOT of purge days! My house is getting pretty empty actually. To the point that I am having a huge yard sale this next weekend and selling everything but the sheets we sleep in. Well, maybe I kept a little more then that.

I saw this quote below once and fell in love. It was around the first time I purged the whole house. It worked well. I was able to give a ton away, sell a bunch of useless stuff and I ended up feeling a little more free. Weird right?

You hear about people having an Ah-Ha moment in their life and it completely changes them. Well, I seem to have one every time I watch a new documentary. I think that's why I love them so much. I always take away something from one. Whether it's to stop eating as much processed foods or if its to stop buying so much stuff. I pull little things from them and it normally changes my life. Am I the only one? Maybe this is a really weird quirk about me. O'well. I'll take it.

In this new journey to be healthy I am trying to get rid of bad habits and habits that get me nowhere. My love for shopping gets me nowhere. Except into more debt! Eating a ton of processed foods is horrible for me and just makes me fatter! Anyone else have a bad habit that watching a film could help break? Watch Food Inc. You'll never have fast food again!

Oh, and I think this is hilarious....some food for thought....

Go. Love.

I feel like writing today. I guess I have a lot on my mind. Today is the one year anniversary of loosing a close friend that I've posted about before. She is very very missed by me and her friends and family.

I write more today because my hubby lost a cousin this week to a motorcycle accident. It brought up a lot of feelings I had tried to forget. A freak accident that no one know why happened. The feelings I have for the family are overwhelming. I know what it's like to loose a close friend in a tragic accident but not a family member like they have. I just can't imagine the pain.

The love for family, in my mind, has always been different than that I have for friends. Not any less. Just different. So I can't imagine what his wife and children are going through. His mom. They expected him home in only 2 minutes. I'm sure they had plans to celebrate father's day this weekend. Not to plan his funeral. It's just tragic. It breaks my heart to see the pain.

For all of you that have lost their moms or dads, brothers, sisters, cousins or aunts and uncle to something tragic, I am so sorry for your loss. It's not something you will ever get over but only time will make easier to live. 

Life has this weird way of going on after we loose someone in a sudden way. You expect everyone around you to be in just as much pain. To have their worlds flip upside down like yours. But for some reason life goes on. People still wake up in the morning and go to work and do their daily activities while you sit and wonder how you will live without this person you just suddenly lost. You don't get to say hello to them anymore. You can't laugh with them anymore. Pester them or hug them. 

What will you do with their things? Things that meant the world to them may have no meaning to you. Do you get rid of it? Keep it because they would have kept it? Their things were left by them as if they would be right back. They didn't plan on leaving. Didn't plan on not returning to the people they love.

I had to clean out my friends work station only a day after she passed. She had left things out because she knew that she would be back on Tuesday with the rest of us. Her drill where she left it. Her apron ready to be worn again. But there I was with another close friend cleaning out her things, boxing them up for what? So they could be looked at in a garage and create more heartache for the family that had to see it daily. Seeing her things sit. Not being used by her. Just wishing for one more day with her using those work things, seeing her in an outfit she loved. 

The loss of someone you love sucks. Just plain out and out sucks! It sucks if they go suddenly or if they are sick and you only have limited time, knowing every day you get closer to a time without them. I know we aren't supposed to ask God why these things happen. Why do we have fatal accidents and horrible sicknesses that take our loved ones away from us? But it's hard not too sometimes. Sometimes I find myself asking why did the driver have to fall asleep right then? Why did you have to get sick in the first place? Why? Forgive me, Lord.

I'll end here by saying that the people we loose are all so very missed. None of us know if we will be the one that gets sick, goes suddenly or goes in their bed at the old age of 104. 

We don't know. 

So, go. Live your life like you're the one who will go suddenly. 

Tell the people you love that you love them. 

Have fun.

Enjoy your family. 

Rest more. 

Love more. 

Put down the Windex and cleaning cloths and go play outside with your kids. 

Plant a garden.

Watch a movie and forget the dirty dishes. 

Eat a really good meal. 

Go on that vacation.

Have another baby.

Get healthy today! 

Start your life right now if you feel like you have been waiting. Don't wait for the right time, the right amount of money, the perfect house, the best car. Go give the ones you love kisses and hugs. Get your tent out and camp on your front lawn if you can't drive to the mountains. Build a fort in your living room and play with your kids or grand kids. Just go! Love and live!! We are here to love! 

DIET time!! Yes...a Diet!

Yesterday was day 2 of my new diet. Normally I wouldn't call it a diet but this is in fact a diet that I'm on right now. It's not a way of living. I've cut a lot of calories daily and until I can go back to a normal healthy way of preparing my own meals this is a DIET. Something that I won't always do. It is to jump start my new journey.

The new doctor I saw was amazing. (If you haven't read my previous posts, I've had a hard time finding a doctor to help me out with my weight gain and loss.) I saw him on Friday afternoon, spent almost 2 hours at my first appointment while he explained everything to me. It was awesome!

He asked about my life. What I do for work? What my Husband does? Where our little goes during the days? Do we get to eat meals together? What is a normal day like? What, where and when have I been eating? So many questions to try and get a picture of what MY life is like. Then he asked more questions! It was amazing to have an actual MD ask me questions and want to help me and not just give me a cookie cutter answer. He explained everything to me in depth.

He broke down what MY current day of eating currently looks like. Showed how not eating for over 2 to 3 hours my blood sugars and insulin levels were tanking and storing fat. Showed me that what I was eating wasn't in the right protein to carb to fat ratio. Mostly I was not getting nearly enough protein in a day.

He liked the protein, almond milk and strawberry drink I have almost every morning and told me that I could continue to have it. I'm drinking 2 a day now. He wants me eating about 6 meals a day. Very small meals ranging from 150 to 250 calories a meal. Now I know you're going to freak out when you total the amount of calories a day BUT it's only for a 2 week time frame then he checks all my stats and we go over it all together. His main concern is that I am not loosing too fast. Which we all say we want but loosing muscle mass isn't good. And loosing too much too fast will loose muscle not fat.

Speaking of muscle he told me exactly what my muscle content, fat content and water content was at my appointment as well. Very interesting. I guess I have a great muscle mass from my previous gym time and current time. So under this fat, I have good bones and good meat! Was nice to know I'm not ALL flubber!

My meals are small pre-packaged meals right now. So far most of them have been good, mainly the bars and different protein chips and such. Only one was super gross- a tomato soup that I think was supposed to be red in color but more resembled Pepto-soup. Totally pink and chunky. So gross. I'll have to try and make that better...maybe some fresh tomatoes and basil from the garden. Today I'm also going to try another hot meal so I will let you know how that goes. Please pray!

Am I dying from not eating the fun stuff? Yes and no. We went out of town for the weekend and I knew had I not started the diet the day we left, I'd just come home full of sugar and bad for me foods and be depressed. I bit the bullet and ate my small meals throughout the day for 2 days while I watched people eat all my favorite foods. And I actually was ok with it! Weird. Normally I would have been super envious about the donuts my little and hubby were eating. But instead I thought about my goals and just said no. I have will power! Who knew?!

So here are my numbers. This is about me getting healthy but I want to know that you're not alone if you're reading this. I want to be honest with myself as well as honest for those of you that are reading this. My numbers currently suck. But in only 2 days I'm already down 3 pounds. I can't wait to see what it will be in 2 weeks. 2 months!

I weighed in at his office at 252,2 pounds
Total body fat weighed in at 108.9 pounds or 43.6% (Should be about 17-22%)
Total muscle weighed in at 140.9 pounds or 56.4%
My BMI is 44! Ugh! So horrible!
He has me taking appetite suppressants 2 times a day and also has me on some strong Vitamins.

I can't believe I'm even posting those numbers. So embarrassing. But they can only get better from here. In fact they already are better! I'm in this for the long haul. Even though I'm on a diet right now I can't wait to turn it back into my healthy lifestyle again. I miss craving fruits and vegetables. I used to CRAVE broccoli! Can you believe that? I loved it! After the gym my mouth would water over the fact I would soon be eating a ton of steamed veggies!! So good!!

Oh! I didn't mention water. He told me to of course drink more water. The last week I've been trying to drink a lot more anyway so it was easy to continue. It actually helped a lot in the cravings I had this weekend. I just put those little crystal light packets in my bottles of water and it helped to drink them even easier.

So, go.

LOTS of it!!

Fat kid Day

So, today I feel like a fat kid who got away with eating the whole bag of marshmallows before their mom found out!

The family and I Went out to dinner Last night because the hubby and I both worked late. Which meant no left overs for lunch.

I woke up and got ready for work and then found no almond milk for my normal protein shake. I can't stand them with water or normal milk so I skipped it expecting to grab some toast at the coffee shop next door. Nope. They were fresh out of bread?! Huh? So, a bagel with a little bit of cream cheese it was.
See. Sorta-vegan.

I had a nice big veggie salad for lunch with a little ranch. We then went to take my mother in law out for dinner for her birthday. She picked Red Robin and I had a lettuce wrapped veggie burger and a few fries. After, I had a berry soft serve from Costco which is defiantly NOT vegan and shortly after I felt 9 months pregnant I was so bloated!

Did I mention that I had a box of Hot Tamales too? No? Yea, I ate one of those too. Now, I feel like my once loose fitting top is skin tight!

All in all it wasn't a horrible day but I feel awful because of the little extra dairy I had and the fries. I did choose better options by having a salad instead of having another bread option. I had my burger wrapped in lettuce and I chose the veggie patty instead of the meat option. And having the soft serve was so I could skip the chocolate cake.

Tonight I'll drink a ton of water to try and flush out the bloat. Maybe I'll have a strawberry drink too. I make these water and strawberry drink which really helps the bloating.

I take my little bullet blender cup, fill it half way with water add a little crystal light (any flavor really, I use lemon or blackberry and lemon or even strawberry) then I fill the rest with frozen strawberries. Blends great and is super good with really minimal calories.

Speaking of strawberries, our strawberries have been growing like crazy already this year. If I could keep them out of my daughter's hands I could actually bring some in one day! Unfortunately they are "hers" and I sometimes get 1. Maybe 2. And that is only if I can pluck one from a plant before she sees it!

Gotta love having a little gardener!

Here's to better days! And to making decisions that are better now than I would have made 6 months ago!!

One year

What would you do if you knew you only had a week to live? If you knew on a certain day at a certain hour that your life would be no longer?

Being a Christian I know my life isn't really ending but just beginning. However, my life here on earth would be so hard to leave behind. Even knowing there is perfect peace and loved ones waiting for me on the other side I would still want to stay here. I'm sure that sounds dumb to a lot of people. Perfect peace over stress? I can't imagine not being able to hug my little girl and my husband for however long it would take for them to join me.

I would want to see my little girl grow up. Watch her graduate from high school. See her in love. And eventually watch her have babies of her own.

I would miss my husband picking on me, supporting me and laughing with me at all my weird little quirks.

A lot of people that may read this know I lost a close friend last year. She had become like a sister to me. We would fight and laugh in the same sentence. I would pick on her and she would pick on me. We pushed each other's buttons daily. I would make her freeze while we worked and she would leave her nail drill going so the sound would bug me to no end. We were together more then some families are during the week. We worked 5 days a week together for a little over 2 and a half years.

We also went and did a lot of things together as well. Movies, Thirty-one parties, dinners and a lot of social get togethers with other friends.

She was suddenly taken in a horrible car crash almost a year ago now. 12 days from now, a year will have passed since she and her fiance went out on their regular date night. They were diving home and another driver crossed over into their lane and hit and them head on. Thankfully, their young daughter was not with them and miraculously her fiance walked away with minor injuries.

I think about that night daily. It's something that I can't stop thinking about actually. We had gone away for the weekend and had gotten home a couple hours before the crash. I didn't text her because I didn't want to bug her. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to go to bed.

So, there I was in the morning with a ton of messages on my phone and a post from her fiance telling her to come back to him. People asking me what happened? Where is she? Is she ok? What about her fiance and daughter? I didn't know what they were all talking about! I heard the house phone ring and I grabbed it and it was my mom.

"Kelly, don't get on Facebook!"

"I already am, what the hell is going on?"

"She's gone, baby girl, she's dead."

"What are you talking about. Whatever, I have to go and figure out what happened."

I was instantly overwhelmed. My first thought was that it's not true. There is no way that could happen to someone I know this close. That is what happens to other people's friends. Not mine.

My second thought was her baby girl. And then I started sobbing. I couldn't handle knowing she wasn't going to have her mommy. It's not right. She's such a baby. She needs her. It's not fair.

I sobbed all day. My poor husband had never seen me really cry, let alone sob uncontrollably. He was a mess too. He didn't know how to talk to me. Or handle the situation. He just took care of our little one. It's all he could do.

Until now I've never really spoken about that day to anyone that isn't very close to me. Loosing a friend is so hard but I have no idea what it would be like to loose a mom or a daughter or a fiance so suddenly.

My feelings of loss are nothing in comparison and I can only imagine what it must be like. I mourn for my friend daily still. I go past the accident site and look at her flowers and sometimes I smile while other times my heart breaks.

I never thought something like this would shake me to the core like it did. It was such a sudden loss. I mean, I had taken pictures of a bath bomb that smelled like Gain detergent to show her at work the next week. She always had everything smell like Gain. The towels, her clothes, bags. Everything. She was like a walking billboard for Gain. She loved that smell.

Loosing such a close friend is something I'm dealing with on a daily basis and trying to get past it. My road to healthy isn't just body but also mental health as well. And mourning someone who is dancing in heaven while we are suffering is not healthy.

She would be so mad to see me so upset over her. She would give me a big hug that she knew I cringed over and tell me it's ok. I'm fine. And to not cut her baby's hair.

I miss you friend. I'll never forget our laughs and our fights but I need to let go.

-your rockstar of a friend, Kelly.